I swear I'll get to the point but I think the history here provides a lot of needed context.

tldr: I broke my partner's trust during an episode and am trying to make amends while being completely depressed.

I have narcolepsy 2 in addition to bipolar 1. So, because I'm always a sleepy bitch, my mania is usually pretty contained and symptoms were masked. That changed when I was prescribed a stimulant to treat narcolepsy in 2017. It was a rough couple of years where I thought I was losing my mind while struggling with alcohol in a very shit marriage and culminated in 2020 when I tried to end my own life during an especially bad episode.

I stopped taking the stimulants and loaded up on mood stabilizers after a grippy sock holiday. It was life-changing for me. I left my abusive marriage and was able to start living. I've been incredibly happy with my new situation.

I've been on a stable cocktail for 2 years now but the excessive sleepiness was impacting my ability to work enough hours to afford the mortgage. After talking with my psychiatrist, and begging my new doctor, I was given another stimulant script. I was nervous but thought if things went well, it would improve my life so drastically the risk was worth it.

Things did not go well.

Reflecting on the 3 weeks I was on the stim, I now see all the signs that were there. They were ramping up very quickly by the end of that 3rd week. I wasn't sleeping or eating right in addition to some really risky behaviors and poor judgment. I have a partner who lives with me, and I talked to them extensively about warning signs ahead of this but he was (admittedly)naive. He'd never been with someone who has BD and I was stable for the 1.5 years we have been together. so he had no idea what hypo-mania looked like.

So, here finally comes the part where I'm a total AH. I ended up sleeping with a friend, didn't use protection and then tried to hide it from my partner. The sex wasn't the issue, as we're open, but not using a condom broke a relationship agreement. It was the lying.

He ended up finding out not even a day later and lost it on me. He broke up with me and ended our D/s relationship but stayed in the home after the fact I was manic came to light. I'm lucky he stuck around tbh. He admits he was not fully prepared for what an episode might look like and missed the signs. He knows I absolutely adore him and love him so much. He doesn't understand how I could lie to him, especially since sleeping with others isn't a problem in our relationship. He feels like he can't believe what I say and a very solid foundation of trust crumbled.

He's hurting and I'm now fully depressed. I'm doing everything I can to show our relationship is worth salvaging, we are dating again but put our dynamic on hold. It's just been really rough when I can barely get out of bed.

I just needed somewhere to put this. Even if it doesn't get read or comments chew me up more than support me I had to get it off my chest.