I met someone about 2 1/2 months ago and I fell pretty hard for her. That’s not common for me but I’ll admit when I do fall I fall hard.

Over the 2 months we spent a lot of time together. We even went on a trip and it was one of the most romantic times of my life. She told me she loved me and that it was a rare love.

Before she met me she’d been seeing this other guy but I guess he’d been gone on a month long trip. She told me it was military training (a lie). She said she’d really liked him but that I (“this hot nurse” as she put it) came along and messed that up and now she wanted to be with only me. She said we were exclusive and that when the other guy came back she wouldn’t see him again.

That made me just fall harder for her. Someone who wants only me? That’s something I’ve wanted for my entire life.

First off she lied about his trip. Apparently this guy is pretty wealthy and goes on month long visits to other countries. Stays on fancy hotels and eats fine dining every day. She talked a lot about how money wasn’t everything (a red flag I can see now) and it didn’t make people happy. I make good money (around $70k a year) but I guess it’s not good enough like the $160k a year this guy makes.

When he came back I saw through social media interactions between the two that clearly indicated she hadn’t told this guy that she and I were together now.

Finally I confronted her and she admitted to seeing and having sex with him. I told her that I wouldn’t continue to date her while she saw someone else. She tried to convince me to still see her because she “hadn’t decided yet”. I pointed out she’d already picked and cheated. Then she finally laid my worst fear on me.

She was afraid of me because I’m bipolar. She said her dad was and used to caused a lot of problems in her childhood. She told me some terrible violent things he did. Violent things that I would never be capable of even if I was in full blown mania.

She talked about all the things her dad did and that she didn’t want to be in another family like that.

It upset me a lot because I didn’t do those things to her. I’ve never been anything but kind and caring to her. I’ve never been violent in my life. Even when I was undiagnosed and going through hypomania.

I take my meds and am considered to be in remission but that didn’t stop her from saying that I’d do the same things her father did. Finally after she got mad talking about those things I said to her that I didn’t do those things to her and I never would. I told her she was punishing me for what her dad did. I asked her if I’d ever shown even the slightest indication that I’d ever harm her and she admitted that I’d been nothing but good to her.

She wanted to keep seeing me and the other guy at the same time before she could decide but I ended.

One because she cheated and two because she punished me for abuse from her dad and past lovers.

I’ve been so sad ever since. My worst fear after being diagnosed was that no one would be able to see past it to who I really am. To see that I’m not my diagnosis, I’m a person with an illness that has to be managed. And believe me, I manage it so well my doctor considers me to be in remission.

She was the first person I fell in love with since I got diagnosed 2 years ago and she did exactly what I was afraid of.

I tried to get on dating apps and try again but I just can’t. I don’t think anyone will ever see past my shitty mental health problems.

I deleted everything and canceled the 2 dates I had lined up.

No one can ever love me because of something that I can’t change but have under control. It’s not fair at all that I have to be alone because of something that isn’t my fault.

This has completely spiraled me into a depressive state. I’ve been working a ton of overtime to distract myself but I’m off tonight and I’m just sad and angry.

I feel like I’m destined to be alone forever. I don’t feel like I’m someone who gets to live, thrive and have love in their lives. I’m just someone who’s going through the motions of life waiting to die.