So today I was talking to my brother and he reminded me of something that happened during one of my depressive episodes, it had to do with a mechanism we used to avoid confrontation and sensitive topics for me. What shocked me is that I could barely remember any of it... I felt so powerless and stupid not remembering anything. I guess my brain blocked it out because it was traumatic but I kinda of hate not being able to recall anything and it kind of removes my sense of agency or of "owning" my past and my story.

In the past my psychiatrist told me i would not remember anything from my manic episode and that it was better off this way. But i think I disagree. I want to find out more, I want to know everything. I don't know why , maybe it's morbid curiosity but after all it's my life, isn't it?

How do you guys feel about this?