So I've been scouring the internet trying to make peace with being bipolar and hypersexual. I've been trying to create a life where I can enjoy being hypersexual and not have it be destructive. Reading about other people's experiences is so assuring that I know a sex positive world can exist, where I can TRULY exist. So I want to post this for that person who hasn't seen anyone speak on this experience yet.

I see and easily acknowledge that I'm extra charged up when I'm in my manic phase. Hypersexuality is usually blamed on being manic but for me I'm also hypersexual when I'm depressed.

I have this image of me falling down a big ass hole like in Dark Knight Rises and I'm just reaching out to people to stop myself from falling. And in this metaphor the people I'm reaching out to are getting fucked.

So while I'm in this deepening depression I'm trying have some form of sex with pretty much anybody so I can feel something, get that boost of endorphins, validate my worth on this Earth ( do something I know I'm good at (?))

I crave the energy in both phases, my approach can be different but either way I crave the sexual energy. My sexual energy is very sensitive to stimulation. Just talking about it can be good enough for me. When I'm depressed the phrase "I want to feel wanted" calls me to action.

When I'm Manic people turn into pieces of meat. I can't sleep and the longer I stay up the more I'm willing to do to get that nut. During mania I know I feel wanted, I crave experiences more than the nut itself.

When I'm depressed there's just a constant highlight reel of explicit thoughts that make me feel good. My hyper sexuality feels more like a defense mechanism during my depression. It's my safe space.

I tell people being horny is my preferred mood but I'm doing a disservice to myself by saying that because it's deeper than that. I genuinely feel like being sexual is part of my identity. It's what makes me who I am, I've had to accept this.

Thank you to whoever took the time to read this. Feels great to be able to talk about this, I find myself in a place where I just want to be understood.

• I think it's worth noting that I'm currently in both cycles so I got so many emotions going on it's been overwhelming but in a welcoming way. I want to harness this amazing and beautiful energy.