Bipolar started destroying my life since 2016... It was very difficult to come to terms with the fact that the things I did in 2016 while I was in an episode were just that, I was in an episode and I am not to be blamed for it. Let people think whatever they want and if they want to point fingers its completely okay, I just got to stay true to myself.

But

I just went through another Bipolar episode in this April and May, that resulted in me loosing everything I have. I have lost all the friends over the years and then more, I never had a good family to begin with, It got so bad that I resorted to attempting suicide again because I live in one of the stigmatized countries and no one helped me when I needed help and there was no way out and I thought that was the only way out. Now I am here again, starting all over with a whole lot of guilt, no friends who understand, no one to visit to, no self worth or confidence because I am reminded again n again by things that I messed up. All day everyday I am just, I can't stop thinking... The professionals are stigmatized too and are of not much help... I just feel so lost and broken. I wish there was an answer.

I know in a way, all text book answers that it was not my fault but its like there's a weight on my chest and I can't breathe and all I do is think about the things I did when I was in the episode and feel the shame, I dunno what to do.

How do I deal with the guilt? :( I just wish I had someone who would hug me...