I am afraid of a lot right now.

I grew up in Indiana and I live in California now. For three years I lived along walking paths through trees and then I moved in with my boyfriend and I don't think trees matter to him. Living in city areas makes me feel claustrophobic. Sometimes I think maybe I'm not bipolar, maybe I'm just stressed by feeling cooped up in a small apartment when I'm used to more space and nature and less concrete. My diagnosis is so new. I know I was psychotic in January but can't you just be psychotic from stress?

We are moving to San Diego and I have a lot of stress about that as well. My boyfriend will be under a lot of stress too. I'm worried about his mental health as I am not in a good position to support him and need support myself. I think about moving home with my mom but I don't want to start all over again and I like California.

I feel that life is only going to get harder and I suck at being alive. All I want to do is be asleep a lot of the time. I hate waking up.

I just want to feel safe and feel like I have enough space. Will I ever get that feeling back?

Thanks for reading.