I recently got diagnosed I think.

I say I think because the only person who has told me “you’re bipolar” was a younger psychologist who was attached to IOP and then my case manager/LMFT agreed but my current psychologist hasn’t diagnosed me with anything beyond anxiety. Not knowing what my diagnosis is is stressful enough by itself. “Anxiety” was what she wrote in on my short term disability paperwork, which I don’t think I’ll end up getting because I was supposed to have a phone interview and I called once but there was no follow up.

I feel like I haven’t been right since my hospitalization, apart from the week immediately afterwards. Ever since I started meds I feel a restless “buzzing” sensation. I don’t even have confidence that it’s an “ever since.” It might just be a growing feeling. I should probably keep a mood journal.

The point I’m getting to is that working seems to be really really hard for me. And it’s not just work itself, because I no longer mind doing menial, structured tasks. I used to think they were boring but I like the tasks as long as I don’t feel pressure from not getting paid well or not having free time. I have some really open ended tasks and I feel that some people think open ended tasks are great, but I don’t because I feel I receive absolutely no, or maybe very very little, vague, and poor direction/instruction at work. I think it’s this specific job, but I have felt that way in the past as well.

I don’t know what to do. Every job I get into there’s a lot of pressure to climb the ladder and as I’m getting slightly older I’m finding out I don’t want to because I want people to tell me specifically what they want from me and then for me to try to do it. I can not stand doing things the wrong way or attempting to do things I don’t know how to do / am not instructed on how to do. I can’t handle that stress.

As a result I have been complaining non-stop about the incompetence of my bosses to anyone that will listen and I know that’s not a good idea, but I just can’t help it. Why is my manager not managing my group? Why don’t the SOP’s he writes that get signed off on by his boss make any sense?

Is there something wrong with me for feeling like I’m not suited for work?