blah blah blah i’ve been in a depressive episode (i guess) for the last couple months. in the last few months ive also gotten a “promotion” at my job (50¢ raise and twice the responsibility but twice the hours) anyway i love what i do but i always though id do more. i also got my associates degree but as someone who hopes to die with a masters or higher (i know degrees aren’t everything but it sucks to know you are smart enough to do incredible things but just can’t motivate yourself to get up and do it fucking sucks) that accomplishment meant very little to me. the other issue is i’m a fucking drunk… it’s hard considering i live with a alcoholic who is also my dad.

anyway i guess i’ve been drinking daily for the last couple weeks and i even had a shot before work a couple times. (something i said id never do) i spent all of thursday sleeping and when it was time for bed i couldn’t sleep. (since my bipolar diagnosis a year and half ago i haven’t had any manic episodes and honestly didn’t/don’t believe im bipolar) i just chalked it up to sleeping all day but also knew i could be having another episode. then last night i couldn’t sleep either (both nights i made a point to spend the night laying in bed without my phone, tv, or any distractions. i basically fake slept if that makes sense) today i took a 20 minute nap but it’s almost midnight now and im drunk/high but dont feel that tired.

i’ve cleaned my room, something i haven’t been able to do in a year. i honestly might start studying for calculus. blah blah blah my first episode sucked!!! i got morphine for pain that didn’t even exist, lol i started typing out the other things but they don’t even feel real.

i guess im typing this for my own record. i want to see how my mind works