Hey guys, I'm newly diagnosed BP and if I'm being honest I'm a little relieved because now I kind of have some sense of wtf is wrong with me, but I'm also terrified because sometimes I don't feel in control of my own emotions or words, and I feel like I'm about to ruin my marriage because of it.

The best way I could describe how I feel is inconsistent, ill go through periods where i don't really feel anything, for weeks even months. Then boom I feel so intensely that I almost feel ravenous. Like I wanna burn the world to pieces and everyone in it, and then I'm back to being hollow. I've struggled with this since I was a kid, my mom used to tell me I had a "temper", but now I see why. I feel like sometimes I get in the passenger seat of my brain and watch myself say and do fucked up things because I'm manic, and I feel like I'm screaming at myself to stop but I can't.

I've gone to therapy when I left the fire department, and it was extremely frustrating trying to explain how I feel, because I feel like when I'm not exploding I can't access those intense emotions to really explain them, plus I'd get frustrated because I felt like I was trying to explain my situation to a wall

I apologize if I sound so woe is me I don't mean to, I guess I'm trying to see if anyone struggles the same and how they cope. I've been thinking about seeking a psychiatrist but money plays a factor is medication.

Thanks for taking the time to read this.