Like the title says, I if I had the choice to become un-Bipolar or never have it, I would be it. I hate the fact that I can't think sometimes and that I don't trust myself basically to do anything. I am terrified I'm going to kill someone as a nurse and I feel like I shouldn't be doing this at all. Maybe its just fear or paranoia. I"ve had an awful time at work lately getting accommodations and now they're asking for the past 2 years of my medical records. The ones where I lost my job and got my 8th concussion and had to have my brain drained out because of fluid from swelling.

I didn't get into the first school I applied to for a BSN but now I'm going to a community college and trying to get into an ADN program but I'm also looking at Rad Tech and PTA program too. I'm smart but not that smart. 3.0 but that's not really competitive for nursing and again, I'm afraid I'll hurt someone as a nurse and that seems just a little less likely as a Rad Tech or PTA.

I just...ughhh....why can't I just be normal. I'd even be a bad nurse for my own bipolar people. IDK how but I can just tell.

Why cant I be positive? Why am I so broken?

I just want to be successful and independent. I know I need work accommodations to do it but getting them is difficult and I feel like I'm crazy and I know I'm not.

My personality type is INFJ and most things kind of sync up career wise but I'm not there yet sadly.

Any words of encouragement would be appreciated?