I haven't been medicated for anything since I was 18. I expressed a desire to pursue medication to a psychiatrist this year, but felt things may be more complicated than GAD which is what I was medicated for before. We spoke, and they said they're pretty confident I may have comorbid ADHD and bipolar. They recommended I pursue assessment for ADHD, which I have and I'm waiting to hear back from, but unfortunately they recommended medication trialing to confirm the bipolar diagnosis. And they also recommended I figure out what works for me for bipolar before I start stimulants for ADHD, because it can make episodes worse.

I kinda shrugged off the offer of medication for bipolar because I'm scared of becoming even more... Flat? Or maybe not even having bipolar at all, because I was previously prescribed Lexapro which they mentioned is another medication that can cause complications in folks with bipolar. I don't think I experienced major swings as a result of taking it, so I figure I would be ok on ADHD medication down the line.

But I've been journaling and the habits are showing. I had a phase of what was probably hypomania while I was job-searching last week and staying up until 5AM working on cover letters and skimming job boards and still waking up and going to work at 8.

Today I crashed. Woke up and questioned why I've been spending so much time and energy trying to take care of my body when it does not carry a life worth celebrating. And my head compounded this with the fact that I did not tell any of my friends about my birthday, which was weeks ago. So obviously my thoughts about my mistakes making me undeserving of attention must be true. I am so unsure of medication, but it is impossible to tell if the benefits will outweigh the side effects without trying. All I know for sure is that I am damn unhappy right now.