M26

Opportunities to talk to my friends have become few and far between, and Xbox is really the only place I get to talk to them. I noticed that two of them were online and in a party, and I got really excited as I haven't talked to them in a while, and it's even more rare that they're both online.

Well, once I saw that there were other people in the party, I just froze. They actually made friends in college. They have lives. They're real people. I sat there for TEN FUCKING MINUTES trying to build up the courage to join the party before just turning my Xbox off.

I've been in such a good mood for the past month or so despite the looming prospect of starting college again on Monday. I even told my therapist today that I felt that, while I certainly wouldn't be initiating any conversations, that I was confident that I could talk to people if spoken to.

Clearly that is not the case. If I can't even join a party with strangers that I can't even see, then I'm clearly not going to be able to speak to anyone, and will remain unable to make friends or even aquaintances.

I just feel so pathetic. This will be my fifth attempt at going back to school. I don't have much left on my degree, and I'm not really worried about finishing. It just sucks to know that I'll do so completely alone. Again.

Like I said, I've been in such a good mood lately, and now I am absolutely horribly depressed. The fact that I couldn't even muster up the courage to join the party completely crushed me. I've rarely felt more like a fucking loser.

Sorry to anyone who actually read this ramblling mess. I'm already crying my eyes out, but I guess I just needed a place to vent.