I’ve been medicated (after being diagnosed BP1) since 2018. I take Lexapro, Lamictal, and Gabapentin.

Aside from the usual medication side effects, I felt…”normal”. These last few weeks I’ve noticed a lot of old shit coming back. Hearing things at night, incredible rage, left work early to go fuck this random dude, dropped a bunch of money on singing lessons and equipment, stay up super late researching endless things I can’t stop thinking about, watching gore videos, started looking up publishers for my poetry, talking about shit that doesn’t make sense, MY FUCKING GOD THE PARANOIA, feeling like I’m seeing connections in the universe, I want to self-sabotage, and so on…

The thing that really bothers me is, I never used to think twice about this before I was medicated. It was just life to me. But I’ve gone years without feeling that and now, feeling it again is soooo jarring and terrifying. I have a good job and life, and I’m so terrified that I’m going to fuck it up and I won’t feel that inner calm again. I’m just so tired.