I was mostly depressed for several years. I finally sought help from psychiatrists two years ago. I was diagnosed as bipolar and the psychiatrist prescribed antipsychotics.

One night, I made a mistake in taking them, and I experienced the worst month of my life. I believed I died, I was going to hell, it was judgement day, people were watching me through cameras, people could see my activities in my phone and my computer, people knew bad things I did, and ridiculous stuff like that. I heard voices of people I knew, as if they were talking outside our house or maybe having their voice transmitted through speakers placed within our house. I interacted with strangers and they seemed to know the bad things I had done in my life and expressed their disgust. I sometimes even saw messages in my phone from people all over the world hurling insults at me, referencing the things I was doing at the time as if they were watching me in real time. I felt physical sensations too. I remember feeling my insides being ripped apart while I was eating, as though I was slicing and chewing my own flesh. I thought it was a crystal clear message that God was sending me to hell. I remember listening to the water boil and hearing it louder than usual. I remember "dying" and I remember my sister getting up from her bed, walking to mine, and then looking at my face, saying, 'she is dead'. (The things didn't happen in this order. I have just been typing what comes to mind.)

I later was able to determine the more ridiculous stuff (such as dying and going to hell) as hallucinations, but for a really long time, I believed some of them had been real. I felt violated all the time because I thought that people could see inside our house somehow and they could access my phone and my computer. I would only go out at night and when indoors, I would turn off the lights whenever I could.

Friends, family, and mental health professionals told me it wasn't real, but I didn't listen to them because I didn't think they really understood what was going on. However, when I met someone who had gone through the same thing, I was finally able to consider the possibility that everything really had been hallucinations.

The antipsychotics cured me of my depression eventually but the hallucinations really fucked me up. Long after I was not seeing, hearing, or feeling things anymore, I was still terrified. Now, I'm not really scared anymore, but I am still haunted by it. It is on the back of my mind every single second.

Oh, and my depression made a comeback this year. I seriously just want to kill myself a lot of the time. I just hold on to the possibility I can heal if I work on it but I really just want to give up.