M | 28 | Bipolar II w/ heavy anxiety & depression, substance use issues, and (probably) ADHD & mild ASD

Hi y’all,

I’m coming to this community for support because for the last 4 weeks I feel like I’m losing control of my life and that I’m very close to falling apart completely.

About 4 weeks ago my grandfather had a very close brush with death and, since I’m very close to him, I semi-manically decided to pull the trigger on moving back home (a cross-country move). This had been something I’d had in the back of my mind lately, but due to recent events and my lease ending very shortly, I quickly committed. Although I have had little periods where I’m calm and level headed to sit down and actually plan this move, I feel like most days/moments I’m totally overwhelmed with the fear that somehow I’m definitely going to fuck this up. Whether that’s running out of money, having something come up during my drive I can’t handle, or messing up something with my family once I get there.

And all of this mental/emotional turmoil & stress is negatively manifesting in my body (sore muscles, existing underlying pains are magnified, my immune system is shit) and in my behavior/actions (I’ve been really unable to focus at work/home, I’ve called out/left work a couple times, making up a medical issue to cover up my mental instability, and having conversations with family that tbh I’d even be a little worried about if I were them).

To add to all of this I have been getting high (weed) all day every day (which tbh isn’t very new at all, but lately I feel like it’s been fucking with my grasp on reality, along with other long term cognitive stuff). Also my caffeine intake has been crazy high (200-400 avg., can be up 600-700, daily) which I hate because it makes me so damn anxious & tense. But I can’t really stop/restrict myself because I believe it’s helping me (and tbh it really is the only thing powering me, especially since it’s not uncommon for me to eat just once a day before I go to bed). And in full disclosure my spending has been a little reckless, I just had a mini ritalin bender (that WAS for my moving drive…), I’ve drank alcohol twice in the last week (which I never really do), and my time spent on porn is becoming unhealthy.

Moreover, I will be saying goodbye to a state that has been my home for 11 years and is where I became an adult. There are many feelings of regret, sadness, loss, joy, relief, and failure that I can feel that I’m not fully processing at this time. Pushing them down just below the surface.

I know in my logical mind that I’ve just really fucked up my brain chemistry this past 1.5 weeks, and that I wasn’t starting off in too good of a spot, and that I just have to ride this wave out. And I know that I’m like 85-90% sure I’m ready/prepared for this move (and that I have some support system if things go wrong). And I know, in my heart, that this really is the best move for me right now.

But y’all, I really do feel like I’m losing it and that I’m on a slippery slope into breaking/going into psychosis - and I just can’t break out of the intrusive thoughts that keep me from getting excited & motivated for this move and the planning it takes.

Anyways, thank you all for reading all of this, and please if you have any wisdom or words of encouragement to share, please do.

Thanks again.