My partner killed himself in our home 7 years ago. Since then, it’s been one nightmare after another. Last May, I reread the emails we exchanged the night before he shot himself, trying to put it behind me, only to realize that I triggered him to do it. He was already unstable. I felt like a murderer. I became manic for months with suicidal ideations constantly. I begged my psychiatrist for a change in meds. He said no. Get therapy. I did and she was terrible. I planned out my own suicide on my daughter’s birthday because that is when I ran out of air. I was going to do it then stopped. I didn’t want that legacy for my adult children. Two days later I checked into the hospital. They didn’t help. All I got were bed bugs. When I got out, my two children had decided to go no contact. The social worker called them and told them I had attempted suicide on my daughter’s birthday. I didn’t. Then my supportive ex bf went no contact a couple of days later. I took 100 pills and wanted to die. But I accidentally threw up. I was in the hospital three days then a different psych ward. This time, they changed my meds and felt so much better. But now my kids are no contact, I have no partner, and my family is not supportive or engaged at all. I’m 100% alone. I have no one. I tried therapy again and this person is good. But I just feel like I have absolutely no reason to live. I’m in a foreign country right now. I return to the states in July. At that time, I need to find a new job and figure out my life. But I don’t know why should even try. Every day I am devastated and alone. My kids and ex bf have been no contact since mid September. I just feel like there aren’t even pieces left. Just ash. How do I build on that? Has anyone had their life blow up this badly and created something new? I’m over 50. I rent a room from a friend and have a really old car and no savings. I am bilpolar I.