*Trigger warning*

mention of grief, bipolar, other mental health illnesses, medications

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I want to be different, but I don’t really know how to explain it very well. I feel like right now a lot, probably most people who come to know me, see me as a mess. Out of control, crazy, unstable. Whatever you want to call it. It was even mentioned teasingly in a speech at my wedding. Which I find completely mortifying the more I think about it.

I haven’t exactly been known for being the most reliably stable for any extent amount of time since 2018, when I was diagnosed with bipolar. The several mental health hospitalizations have helped very little in my case for sanity.

It’s not like I don’t try, I do. When I feel good. When I feel stable and content. However the minute something goes awry, and I being to spiral- all bets are off. It’s like I crave the chaos, and don’t get me started with the pain. You’d think I enjoyed burning bridges and hurting the people I care for the most. I often “forget” to take my meds, sometimes for weeks. By then I find myself deep down in a dark hole, primarily buried in grief for my dad. Who passed away two years ago, in July.

I get awful, I fight… I am unkind.. I am unstable.. I drive people away and make repetitive bad decisions.

And I know it is as easy as just taking the medication- but how would you feel if you had to take multiple medications daily just to feel normal…?

So anyways, back to wanting to be different. I don’t wish that I didn’t have bipolar, anxiety or ADHD. Or childhood trauma. Or PTSD. I just wish I was different in the way I handle these memories, situations and illnesses. I want to be someone who can find peace. Peace in all situations. Like the eye of the storm. Calm amongst chaos.

I want to be organized, honest, kind, loving and most of all successful. I want to be a better wife and an amazing mother. I want to be the role model my daughter deserves. Not the person everyone expects a mess from, a mess they’ll likely be the one helping clean up. I want to fix myself but I have no idea where to start. I have been broken for so long my soul is tired.

Any advice would be wonderful.