More reflections on my first tournament diarrhea fest.

I had little to no confidence when it was my turn at the table. I was much more nervous than I thought, so nervous that it was near impossible for me to come up with a game plan that I liked when studying the layout of the balls. I was perpetually confused, always doubting, always unsure. I kept telling myself that things weren't going to work out even before getting down on a shot.

I can't do that.

It doesn't matter if my odds for success are astronomically low. I need to tell myself that anything is possible, that any shot is within my grasp of understanding and execution, even when it's not. Positivity. I need a more positive attitude. I need to focus more. I need to trust in my training, in my hours of frustration and failure, even if they're not enough. I've put in time and I'm going to continue to put in time at the table. I need to believe that I'm capable. I need to trust that I'm able to make shots because I've made so many of them already.

There's no room for doubt at the table.

I need to be positive.

Another thing: there's nothing wrong with showing emotion while playing. It's who I am. I can't change that, and honestly, I don't want to. Holding my feelings in makes me angry. It makes me impatient. It makes me want to explode. It's okay for me to talk to myself at the table and work things out by moving around and filling the air with my voice, AS LONG AS I'M BEING POSITIVE AND PROACTIVE.

I can't talk down to myself.

I can't call myself names or tell myself that I've fucked everything up.

I can't tell myself that any situation is impossible.

I'm going to say the following words to myself while practicing, and during my next tournament I'm going to say them out loud while making my way to my designated table.

"It's okay to miss, but it's not okay to give up. So don't give up. Relax. Find a way."

I'm gonna make a genuine effort to say those words whenever I miss while practicing.

I need to build more confidence in my abilities, regardless of their limitations. I need to be more certain, and I need to use the emotions that build while I'm failing as helpful tools.

I'm an emotional player, so the slightest lapse in belief can send me spiraling down a rabbit hole of ruin.

I need to train my mind.

I need to train my mind.

I NEED TO TRAIN MY MIND.