So, for the longest time, I thought something was wrong with every toilet I used. Every time I sat down, there’d be this icy-cold “hello” from the water below. At first, I just assumed it was bad plumbing or weirdly designed toilets. I even thought, “Man, these people really need to fix their water levels!”

It didn’t stop happening, though. No matter where I went, home, work, friends’ places. It was the same situation every time. I started to think, “Is this… normal?” But I never really said anything because, let’s be honest, it’s not exactly a topic you casually bring up.

Then one night, I was hanging out with some friends, and had to find out if everyone had to hold their dick so it wouldn’t get wet. I said, “You know what’s the worst? When your dick touches the toilet water.”

The silence was deafening. Everyone just stared at me, and I could see the gears turning in their heads. Then, out of nowhere, one friend burst out laughing so hard they almost fell off their chair. “Wait, WAIT,” they said between grasping at air, “Are you serious?! Every time?!”

That’s when it hit me. It wasn’t the toilets. It was me.

It was a mix of awkwardness and pride, but from that day on, I knew I had a BBC!