Hello! If you read this, thank you. It's a big chunk of words.

I suspect my wife may be experiencing PPD but I'm not sure. I'd like to share as much context in as few words as possible and hear from you all. In particular, I'm looking for advice on next steps. My goal is to save our marriage. We've been together 13 years and married 7. Our first daughter is 4 years old and our newborn just hit 5 months. There was PPD with the first child but it was different. I largely attribute that to how both of us had to go back to work full time soon after and depressive symptoms got masked by falling into a routine.

Alright... here I go. My wife has CPTSD. Her triggers are certain sexual things and being ignored or not understood. The latter is usually what triggers it. The response is rage, followed by a sharp downturn into shame land. "Why am I like this" etc

In our relationship, we have had rough patches. At first it was all the time due to prolactinoma induced migraines / hormone swings. No one believed me when I said it was related to hormones. She was diagnosed with migraines as the primary. Several MRIs later, no one finds anything. We start to prepare for our first kid and her OBGYN's office discovers the first sign of prolactinoma from a hormone test and then confirms it with another MRI. Of all the MRIs we had, they were all covered except this one, which cost us several thousand dollars. It was also the one that discovered the true underlying cause of the migraines.

Once that was settled and she was able to start living normally, she would get so angry at me constantly. Verbal abuse, gaslighting, locking me out of the house, etc. She got a therapist and started CBT and there was a near-immediate improvement as she learned more about her CPTSD, her triggers, and how to respond appropriately.

The most common themes for why she would get angry/frustrated were always related to me. I didn't throw away the little milk tab, I bought lettuce that I didn't use, I don't understand her, I always ask her to be a smaller version of herself, I can't take care of myself, etc. All of these things are valid and based in some truth but we've always been able to communicate openly and come together at the end of it with a better understanding of the other person. Love was ALWAYS there behind her eyes, but occasionally she would just be hurting too much.

As the years went by, she continued taking therapy. I stayed at a job for too long (7.5 years) because I really liked the job, but the employer wasn't treating me well. Ultimately, complacency became my modus operandi. Minor depression began to build in me. I couldn't, and still can't find any fulfillment in my music, something I have done my whole life and has always brought me great pride and joy. I find I'm completely unable to experience joy, excitement, fulfillment.

4 years ago, we have our first daughter. She's amazing and my partner and I have so much love for each other and for her. My dad, a well-known narcissist, buys a should-be-condemned house for us to fix up together to build a home for our growing family. The whole thing started with him telling me "You'll never make it unless I throw you this bone, but you have to help. The house is mine but you have to pay the interest every month until it's ready." Interest was insane at like 1100 a month. Blablabla, 2 years go by where I'm busting my ass, my family is living in the basement of my step-mother's house. It becomes clear to everyone involved that the house "being ready" was never going to happen and Mr Project manager Dad is going on vacations and "can't give a timeline."

My partner supports me and the house, but also encourages me to do what feels right. She'll stay and support me no matter what we decide to do with the house. We had a big blow-out with dad and I ended up walking from the project. I haven't spoken with him since and my stress and anxiety has never been less.

Depression is affecting me and starting to spiral because of the guilt and shame for the choice I made. I begin to drink very regularly as a high-functioning alcoholic. All the doctors told me I wasn't an alcoholic cause I wasn't drinking enough, but something was not right.

This turns into poor spending habits, missing some payments, pulling money from savings, etc. I manage to pull things together and we have a second child. I took Massachusetts paid family and medical leave, which offers employee job protection, extend it to the max at my wife's request, and do not respond to three material work requests from my supervisor during the approved leave. They fire me when I get back for not responding to material work requests. This is October 2. I fight unemployment for 8 weeks before getting paid while trying to take care of my family and find a new job and find therapy for myself.

Queue my wife. Last year she came out as bi and polyamorous. I said she could meet some girls if she wants but IDK how it's gonna make me feel.

Now that we've just had a kid and she's 5 months Post Partum and I'm in a S*** storm of problems that I'm actively working to take care of, she meets someone who's "everything I'm not" and I'm faced with the ultimatum of "you go poly with me or this is the end of our relationship." I say I can't take on the emotional responsibility right now and that I can't do it.

It was like a switch flipped. One day we're parents scraping by and making it work and "isn't it great how we have all this love and trust and these two great kids" and the next it's "we can't be together anymore because I have to explore this part of myself"

From that point on, which was a few weeks ago, there have been severe mood swings. Periods of sleeping forever. Periods of not sleeping at all. Most prevalent, though, is a severe anger and resentment towards me. It was all aimed at me not trying hard enough to get a therapist, not trying hard enough to get a job, how she had to use her art grant money after I was fired to help make ends meet. All valid things that made me frustrated too because I want to want to be loveable. I want to be worth a lifetime of love.

What I'm struggling with is that I've never seen her this cold and detached from me. The pool of anger and resentment is so deep that we can't connect at all. She has essentially ended the intimacy of our relationship (sex isn't what I mean) and has started dating this trans girl while we live in the same house with two kids.

The conversation went from "I can understand how polyamory is a challenging concept. We can take it as slow as you need" to "you have been taking from me for several years. Every time we interact it's a drain on me. You don't fill my cup you empty it and you're not doing enough to fix it."

Right now I'm applying to a handful of jobs every day, getting a few call backs, and I have money to start helping the house again because Unemployment paid me. I have my appointment with a therapist tomorrow. So does she actually.

Something doesn't feel right to me. For 13 years we had our squabbles like any couple, we communicated, and we came together to build a beautiful life. Then, 5 months after our second child, I'm being told that it's over "until I fix myself". That "we can't work it out. "We've talked about these problems forever, how many times do I need to repeat myself. I can't continue this cycle anymore. I need to take care of me because you wont"

Obviously, there are real problems that she's communicating that have to do with me. I'm doing what I can but Rome wasn't built in a day and she "Can't wait for me anymore."

Is this possibly related to PPD? A lot of it is totally valid relationship issues you'd talk through and take action on, but I get the sense her perspective is skewed because it's just so unlike her and us...

In the meantime, I feel like she trapped me into a marriage with kids just to turn around, change the rules, and gave me an ultimatum without any consideration for me. I have reached out to her family that I'm concerned for her after a really bad bout where she told me "I wish I wasn't here" but none of them will take me seriously because they "Don't want to get in between what the two of us are going through". I called her doctor's office to let them know I was worried she may make life-changing decisions while going through potential PPD. I told them what she said "I wish I wasn't here", they called her and asked "Are you going to hurt yourself or anyone?" she said no and that was that....

Am I crazy? I'm open to the fact that the relationship went for too long and we need to break things off... I just want to make sure that her deal-breakers haven't been altered by brain chemicals and that she's not just pushing me away for no good reason.

Thanks in advance. Much Love.