So the last 3 weeks have been absolutely horrible for me. I started doing cocaine again for the first time in years 3 Fridays in a row, xans, and I took 20g of phenibut spread out over 2 weeks. I feel completely ashamed of myself. I work in a high level corporate job and work very hard, but it seems that all my hard work has been going to (about 25-40% based off my estimates) my drug use.

I went on a date Friday and I met someone who made me remember that good people do exists still and it inspired me to change. I recently got on suboxone to taper off opiates and use them as needed for cravings (I know it’s a risky approach, but at least I won’t be risking my life on every level).

I took 25mg of diazepam Monday, 20mg yesterday (10mg morning, 10mg night), today I took 5mg, 300mg of gabapentin that I randomly found, and around 250mg of phenibut (last of it). All in all, I feel ALRIGHT, but I don’t know how I’m supposed to stretch out 15mg of Valium to be comfortable. Plus, I plan on stopping the opiates too (I was mostly just using kratom, only used subs for 4 days).

I’m scared, I’m ashamed, I fear for my life. I’m scared I’m going to lose everything and that I will never find anybody who will love me because I feel disgusting. I don’t understand, I have thousands saved, a career that most would envy, I’m still young (26M), and everything is going well on the outside.

I feel perhaps I’m just reeling from the last couple of weeks. I’ve been falling asleep by 10pm the last few nights which has been nice. I just need someone to tell me that I’m going to be ok, I’m like a scared child. I’m not even withdrawing severely, if it all, I likely am just suffering from an extreme rebound, but I’m so fucking ashamed and scared.