Well, I’m officially on day 10/11 (I can’t really tell which day because I was in Thailand when I took my last dose, then traveled for welll over 30 hours to get back to the states) of my withdrawals (or severe rebound, it’s hard to tell to be honest, because my body was so pummeled from what I put it through) and I’m beginning to feel somewhat better, though still shitty. Over the last week and some change, I’ve been sleeeping for close to 75% of the day (on average, my body has been sleeping for 12-18 hours EVERY DAY).

Notable symptoms for me have been extreme fatigue (which I also attribute to the intense drug use and travel that I experienced), very high levels of anxiety, sensitivity to sunlight and noise, I was having difficulty speaking (but I found an ulcer in my mouth, so that’s likely the culprit… Yeah, I know, all I could remember was taking a random pill sublingually and it burned my mouth, it still hurts and it’s white, it sucks and I feel immense shame at how little regard I had for my own well being) but it might be something separate as I do know about the “benzo tongue” (and to a certain degree, I have experienced that, but it’s not as severe as what I’ve read), I also occasionally experience muscle stiffness, and mild sweating.

This has mostly been psychological for me, as I’ve been trying to revert to eating healthy, less, and have cut back on things such as nicotine & coffee (green tea helps a lot btw, I’m sure it’s due to the L-Theanine), I’m GRADUALLY trying to leave the house more often, but as I said before, I am experiencing very intense light sensitivity and I feel an intense sensory overload whenever I go outside, and I’ve been mostly trying to just deal with the aftermath of my binge. I know everyone says to not be hard on myself, but I had close to $6k before my trip, I could have went to treatment and gotten paid for it via long term disability, but instead I screw myself over and travel abroad, without even being mentally ready to handle being around so many drugs. I still have a nice savings, at least compared to most people/addicts, but my family had to step in and financially assist me, which has been leaving me feeling disgraceful and I’ve been very depressed because now I don’t have the good insurance that I used to, so treatment options have been limited and I feel like I shot my self in the foot, when I had a true opportunity to start over again. Once again, I know that this can likely be attributed to me coming off of the drugs, but it’s still very much so real to me and it’s hard.

I have not been able to taper sadly because I lost my insurance, doctors out here are taking ages to schedule any appointments, though I am considering going to the ER today because the occasional flairs of muscle stiffness and light sensitivity are quite intense and scary. A certain sense of survivors guilt has been hitting me recently due to me losing one of my close friends, while I have been blinded by my drug use the last 8 years of my life and actively self-destructing (I’ve overdosed over 5 times at this point, I was sexually taken advantage of, financially taken advantage of, etc. I could have truly died and yet I kept coming back, now my body feels like mush, when I have been very athletic my whole life and healthy, this has lead to many moments of intense despair and I feel angry at myself for allowing all these things to unfold as they did), yet I’m still here.

I don’t want to go back to the lifestyle I lived before, I’m tired of taking hard drugs and allowing scummy people (more like vultures) into my life, I used to loath a comfortable & quiet existence, yet now, it’s all I can want. I lost the love of my life less than a year ago, this is truly what kickstarted this suicide run that I have been on, yet what I can say, is that I am grateful beyond words to still be able to hear my parents/family yell at me for being dumb, I’m grateful to even be able to still cry tears & feel anything at all, & I’m even grateful to the suffering that I went through because without it, who knows, so many things should & could have gone wrong, yet I’m still here.

I’ve been through so much and I’m only 25 years old, I hope I can utilize these struggles to help others one day, when I get my life back on track (I used to be a teacher for a few years and honestly, my struggles was what enabled me to be so great at my job and the role of mentor, but I can’t even mentor myself these days, let alone guiding the youth, but I do hope I can return to that one day). Can you guys recommend any resources that I can utilize in this recovery process? Should I go the ER or go to urgent care and utilize Gabapentin? I’ve never had to deal with withdrawals from benzodiazepines before, I just want to make sure I’m not risking a seizure (I’ve never had one before btw). Thanks for all the support everyone, I know that I got this!