I’m getting to a point where I don’t know if I ever want to quit. I was doing really good this summer because I was working a physically demanding job and I was tired at the end of the day, most nights I fell asleep quickly and didn’t need to take a Xanax, would only take a one when I was having the occasional panic attack. Now that I don’t do that job anymore since it was seasonal, I’ve been really struggling with my xanax usage. I’ve been taking them on and off for almost 3 years now I think. I used to have stretches of time where I was fine without them but as time passed by I just got more dependant and right now it’s pretty bad my anxiety is off the roof and I cannot concentrate for anything. I usually just take a 0.5 at night or 1mg if it’s worse, I was able to not take anything the last 2 nights but tonight I took a 0.5 again cuz I wanna kms lmao.

Anyways the thing is that Xanax makes me feel better than anything else on the planet like it doesn’t even compare to the endorphins of moving my body and whatever, unfortunately Xanax is the only thing that’s ever made me feel normal. I’m starting to give up on the idea of being completely sober off them one day. Is there only a shit ton bad side effects on taking Xanax for a lifetime?? My doctor obviously want me to get off it but I keep begging to get it refilled because for me it’s that or suicide. Anyway idk I’m just venting and looking for some insight I guess. I’m a 21 year old female and I’m pissed that I’ll probably be dealing with this for the rest of my life. I’m just getting at a point where I don’t really see a future for myself without Xanax and not really caring about the side effects anymore. I’m kind of giving up on ever being sober. Life is hell and benzos help me get thru it. I’ve tried spirituality and all that shit it doesn’t work for me. Maybe I’ll try micro dosing shrooms more often.