I’ve posted this elsewhere, but wanted to share here a few things I wish people had told me when I started. I am an experienced switch, but I’m currently in a relationship where I am strictly a sub. Obviously every d/s dynamic has different rules, interests and practices, so please take what I’m saying as a general guide.

The idea that BDSM as a whole consists of abusers and traumatized people is infuriating, but unfortunately these types of sexual interests CAN attract some questionable people. There needs to be a level of trust built before you can get into heavier play. Bear with me because you’re going to see me mention boundaries and necessary conversations a lot. That only highlights the importance of them. I, and many others, have experienced people who practice BDSM in an unsafe way to abuse people and get away with it.

If you find a potential dom and they IMMEDIATELY assume the dynamic, that is a RED FLAG. You need to establish that dynamic. It doesn’t necessarily have to take an extensive amount of time, but there needs to be at the very least a conversation first. Just because YOU know you are a sub does not mean you are THEIR sub right off the bat just because they are a dom.

Another red flag is immediate degradation. This especially goes for doms who do it BEFORE you even start having sex with them. Someone immediately calling you names, forcing you to perform degrading acts, etc without discussing your boundaries and interests first are something to look out for.

A dom not allowing you to ask questions at all is dangerous. Obviously a dom who you have established a dynamic with saying this is in the context of active play is not the same as a dom who you are just starting out with saying it in any context. If they do not allow you to (or even ask you to) tell them about your boundaries, your interests, your experience, ask them about their experience, ask them about their interests, ask them about their boundaries and other questions like this then that’s very questionable. A negotiated dynamic is NECESSARY for safety and longevity. You need to talk about hard AND soft limits.

Doms who actively seek out subs who are “new” can be a red flag as well. It’s much harder to recognize bad behavior when you’re inexperienced and can often lead to you being put in dangerous situations and developing / accepting incorrect ideas of what the d/s lifestyle consists of. It’s much easier to be taken advantage of when you don’t know what is ethical in this community and what isn’t.

Let’s talk about people priding themselves on always making their sub use their safe word. If someone is eager to make you use your safe word, it makes it clear that you are unsafe with them. Using a safe word typically means STOPPING entirely. If this is a pleasure based practice then what fun is it having to end it early? A good dom (in my opinion) will adjust or even stop if they notice you are uncomfortable to the point of even wanting to use your safe word. There’s a difference between feeling overwhelmed in a good way and feeling unsafe / uncomfortable. Again, it comes down to trust. If someone wants to make you overwhelmed to the point of feeling unsafe that is a serious issue.

Some interests like CNC, for example, require EXTENSIVE communication first. If you want your dom to not accept your “no” for an answer, that needs to be discussed and there needs to be (surprise surprise!!) trust established.

On the topic of safe words, if a dom requires you to “earn” your safe word that isn’t okay. There is nothing sexy about withholding your personal safety in its entirety. This can all circle back to what I said in the paragraph above this.

A dom pushing their sub’s boundaries is often something subs seek out because it allows them to find more kinks they enjoy and expand their sexual horizons. That is OKAY and SAFE as long as you talk about what that entails first. The more you explore, the sooner you will find out that you DO have boundaries and while you are submitting yourself and allowing yourself to be under the control of someone else, you DO have the right to tap out if you are feeling uncomfortable or unsafe.

This post is already pretty long so I’m going to leave out the entire portion of “aftercare.” I can make a separate post about it or there might already be one. Do not let it be neglected!! It’s necessary for both parties involved, not just the sub!

In conclusion, do not let anyone force you to do something that will potentially traumatize you just because you believe that’s what BSDM is supposed to be like. Have fun and be safe! (: