We'll start the post by saying it will be a long one, so please read it all before you decide to reach out to us.

So, to start off with we're not a "traditional" couple, no we're not ENM or swingers, we're actually having an affair with each other. We message each other all day, everyday and meet up at least once a month (sometimes more, sometimes less).

For the past 2 years we've been searching for a woman to join us as our FWB for friendship and threesomes. Over this time we've come close (very close) to achieving our goal, but something has always prevented us quite getting there. Over this time, we've learned a lot about ourselves (we've realised ageplay is a massive turn off for us both, V dried up at being called "mummy" and M's balls inverted when he was called "daddy") we've also learned that you can't lay out specific expectations and sometimes a round peg can fit in a square hole.

Yes, we have a checklist of what we would like but it isn't definitely a "no" if you only tick a couple of boxes (guys, don't get too excited, the "be a woman" box is still a mandatory one to tick).

So, on to that list of what we're looking for:

• A woman.

• Ideally but not essentially in a relationship (so you know the nuances of an affair and the discretion and secrecy required to make it work).

• Curves (we know this is open to interpretation so let's say size 14 - 20: boobs, bum and hips!)

• "Bubbly": you don't have to be extroverted but have the ability to engage in a group chat and also the willingness to start and continue a chat throughout the day.

• 30-48 years old

• Shared interests: it would be awesome if we had some common shared ground (a bit about us is below)

• UK based: ideally a distance which makes it possible to meet up, we don't want to just have an online thing. (But if you live in Inverness or Cornwall and tick every other box, I'm sure we can make it work!)

About us:

V is 44, curvy with surgically enhanced but realistic looking boobs, she's 5'7, currently has Auburn hair and she enjoys: indie/rock music, formula 1, random documentaries, crystals, Wicca/witchy stuff and animals. Her style is probably best described as "alt".

M is 37, "dad bod", short dark hair, stubble, 6'3 tall and his interests include: rock/metal music, motorsports, football (⚽ & 🏈), documentaries (history, true crime & mythology mostly), gaming and when his heads in it (it's currently not) exercise. M is most often dressed like an elder nu-metal emo (band tees, ripped jeans, caps, vans etc.).

If we sound like a bit of you and you feel like you are a bit of us, please reach out.

Caveats:

Dudes, we've been polite and have always responded with a polite "thanks but no thanks" when you reach out but from now on, we'll be ignoring and blocking.

Snap is our preferred way of communicating, if you don't have it please be willing to install it (too many bad experiences elsewhere) - we can start a chat between the three of us and exchange pics there to ensure mutual attraction.

Still reading? Let's just make sure...

If we tickle your pickle, when you message include the phrase "the prickly purple python prices prized pineapples" and tell us a bit about you.