“I get to pretend that you’re Ohtani pitching,” I say with confidence, held only by a man of chest hairs and convictions. She agrees. “But wait. I played at catcher before a freak accident took my nut—And I want to player catcher~ in full battle rattle~for O.”

And wouldn’t you know, 25 mins later, “ohh, OhHH my oOoHtanIIiI,” permeates into the neighborhood on what was a pleasant September night. Then, it happened. Hubris. “You only throw 103mph and 6 different pitches? Throw harder you pussy, you no knuckleball throwing fuck,” I said trying to be dirty.

And my wife just starts going all Mike Tyson on my ass, like I offended her, or something. I can’t recall much after that since, apparently, I whacked, hard on the bed post and briefly passed out, but hurts!

“I’ll be back in the saddle tomorrow,” I tell her. “…If Cal didn’t need off-days, then I’m no bitch either.”

SO, LESSONS? MORALS? WHAT DID WE LEARN?

1. Happy Wife; Happy Life.

2. Use protection, like a helmet, for example. Safe sex practices can reduce sex-related injury like an concussion, or in severe cases, CTE. Use helmets.

3. Never take yourself out of the game. Iron Man.

QUESTIONS, AND, OR, COMPLIMENTS? — AMA.