A few days ago I found out that St. Louis managed to win the World Series at some point with a whole *83 wins*. My first thought was "That's just bull****", but then I wondered "Have they pulled anything else like that?" So today I'm going to recap every year for the Cards in the 21st century and illustrate to you how this team just will not die.

Disclaimer: this does have a bit of insulting thrown around. If you're easily offended, maybe don't read this.

2001--Good news, bad news, more good news, and more bad news. The good: you finish 1st in the NL Central with 93 wins behind dynamite rookie Albert Pujols. The bad: The Houston Astros also won 93 and win the division via tiebreaker. Luckily for you, you still sneak into the playoffs as the wild card team. Unluckily, you play the eventual World Series champions in the Diamondbacks and lose in 5 games. At least Houston got swept by the Braves, I guess.

2002--No tiebreaker tomfoolery this time. A 97 win campaign topping the Astros by a whopping 13 games. You even get revenge on the Snakes and steamroll them in 3 games. This is when the team decides that's good enough and gets curbstomped by the Giants in the NLCS.

2003--A decent season at 85 wins, but it doesn't get you to the postseason. Somehow, the Cubs won the division with just 88 wins. People are starting to wonder if this team is declining.

2004--Prove the naysayers wrong with one of the greatest seasons in your history. A 105 win season while blowing by the rest of the National League, knocking out Los Angeles in the NLDS and squeaking past the Astros in 7 games. You've made it to the Fall Classic for the first time since 1987. Only problem? Turns out even the Curse of the Bambino isn't as strong as the momentum of a reverse sweep. You have no answers for the Boston machine as they sweep you aside to win it all for the first time in 86 years. Hey, at least you contributed to a feel-good story?

2005--Regardless of that sour ending, this team is still stupidly good. A perfect 100-win year backed by MVP and Cy Young performances by Albert Pujols and Chris Carpenter and a thirst for revenge. The Friars have no answers for your high-octane offense. Unfortunately for you, the Astros put a needle on the road and popped your tires as they take you down in 6 games.

2006--After a blazing 31-16 start, the Cardinals don't have a single winning month in the second half, and finish a pedestrian 83-78. Wait, you're telling me they made the playoffs? How bad *is* this division?

2006 Playoffs--You proceed to surprise everyone and beat up the Padres in 4 games. Next are the Mets, who are 14 games better than you. Kickstarting a trend of using magic pixie dust to defy all odds, Yadier Molina puts them away with a go ahead 2 run bomb in the 9th of Game 7. Somehow, you've reached the World Series to face the Tigers as such low underdogs that some joke of Detroit winning in 3 games. As is the case throughout these playoffs, they satisfy bettors everywhere and beat them handily in 5. Congrats Cardinals! You're just the second team to reach double digit World Series victories, behind...you know...them.

2007--The Cardinals *finally* come back down to Earth and finish 78-84. Also the division is pure garbage again as the Cubs win it with just 85 wins.

2008--Improve on your record by 8 games and still manage to finish in 4th place and 11 1/2 games back because baseball. At least that Pujols guy won the MVP again.

2009--At least there's retribution this year as you win the division again with a 91-71 record. You promptly get obliterated by the Dodgers. Pujols also won the MVP AGAIN.

2010--Regress back to 86-76. It's good for 2nd this time, behind the Reds. In a stunning turn of events, Albert Pujols does not win MVP. He only came in 2nd. This is Mike Trout-level production.

2011--Entering September, St. Louis is 72-64 and 8.5 games back of both the division and the wild card. Playoff hopes are bleak, if not completely dead. As is customary for the Redbirds, they conjure dark voodoo magic to cause them to go 18-8 and the Braves to collapse harder than a Jenga stack being played by someone with Parkinson's. Atlanta goes 9-18, blows a 2 run lead in the very last game, and misses the playoffs by a single ~god dang~ game. As for the Cardinals? They go in to face the 102 win Philidelphia Phillies, and use their deal with the devil to make Chris Carpenter throw a 2 hit shutout in game 5. The Phillies would never be the same. Next, they went up against the Milwaukee Brewers, who finally broke through after years of basement-dwelling. St. Louis cares not for feel-good stories after 2004. They launch the Brew Crew into Lake Michigan in 6. Their last obstacle is the Texas Rangers in their second straight World Series. The Cardinals are down 3-2 in the series as Game 6 approaches. They're down to their last strike with some guy named David Freese in the batter's box. You should know what happens by now: the dark voodoo magic makes Nelson Cruz forget how to catch a ball as Freese triples in the tying runs. The very next inning, they go down by 2 again, only to retie it on a Lance Berkman RBI single. That was on, yes, their last strike. The next inning, that Freese dude steps up and walks it off. The Cards then dominate Game 7 to win it all for the 11th time. There is no logical explanation behind this. It just is.

2012--If this season was played by last year's rules, St. Louis wouldn't have made it this year. Instead they grab the new 2nd wild card spot by going 88-74. They're off to face Atlanta in the Wild Card game. They pick up right where they left off last year completely screwing over the NL East at the last moment. First the Braves go down on the most HORRIFIC INFIELD FLY CALL I'VE EVER SEEN (sorry, still miffed about that), then the Cardinals start the wonderful trend of making the Nationals choke in the NLDS. They even go up 3 games to 1 against the Giants in the NLCS, but then I can only assume the residue of the 2011 black magic faded. They proceed to choke the series away, opening the door for the Giants to win the World Series against the Tigers.

2013--Like the cockroach after a nuclear explosion, the Cardinals just do not die. They put up 97 wins for the top seed in the NL. They look all but dead against the Pirates, but pull out the last 2 to move on. They take care of the Dodgers in the NLCS in 6. They did lose the real battle, though: Scott Van Slyke outlasted Joe Kelly in a standoff. The shame of having lost this dual clearly haunted them as they lose once again to the heckin' Red Sox.

2014--They're back in the playoffs and facing the Dodgers in a rematch. Riding Matt Adams momentarily becoming a god and hitting Clayton Kershaw's curveball out of the park, they once again beat them a game before they needed to. They then get demolished by the Giants and Travis Ishikawa's Game 5 walk off shot. At least they didn't choke this time?

2015--A 100 win season? That's pretty impressive. What's more impressive is that it didn't make them run away with the division. The Pirates and Cubs were only 2 and 3 games behind, respectively. This is the one time that playing a Wild Card team is anything but a reward. They completely fall apart against Chicago and are vaporized in 4 games.

2016--Seems like that failure has scared off the ridiculous good luck you've had through the past 5 years. You still have a competitive team made out of what should be garbage players, but deals with the devil have consequences. Your archenemy the Cubs run away with the NL Central with 103 wins, but that's not all. You finish 86-76 and miss out on the playoffs by a single game. Even worse, Chicago breaks their curse and wins a World Series for the first time in 108 years. Prepare yourself...for YouTube comment section Cubs fans.

2017--Not only did you not make the playoffs, you're not even that competitive anymore. You finish 83-79, behind the Cubs and Brewers. It was a great run, but it appears that it's over. It may be time for a rebuild.

2018--The first half of this year reinforces that mindset, hovering around .500 at the All-Star break. And then the Cards find the rest of their sack of pixie dust. They go on an insane run in the second half, seizing the second wild card spot for most of it. They don't have quite enough to make the playoffs, but it's reinvigorated the team. Somehow, the Cardinals managed to falter and rebound without rebuilding.

Did you notice anything weird? In this entire century, St. Louis has had one losing season. ONE. This team has looked nearly dead over and over, and just keeps going. They are the team that will not die. Thank you for coming to my TED Talk.