I may have separated myself basically entirely personally from people from the bar, but I still have a few on Facebook. Kind of the type of friends you don't really know why you have because you don't talk anyways, not even on your birthday. Maybe, I like that string. To still know without having to personally invest.

The last few months have seen deaths of more than a handful of people. All from different things. Being that my bar was full of anti-vax "THIS IS MY AMERICA" Trump worshipers, it wasn't like I was surprised when one of them got covid. I guess what surprised me was how fast it went for him. 3 days before his death, he posted a video of himself rocking out to old school rock in the ICU, not intubated. Not sickly (or more sickly) than he usually was. He was getting dinner brought to him by his new wife. He was by all accounts, on the mend. 3 days later, he was dead. Then, came Don, a man who made a close friend of mine so happy. His heart gave out the day after her birthday. They had only been together 2 years. But, Bailey, Bailey's death was one that was kept so underwraps from superficial social media that I knew she had to have done something to herself. And she did. She overdosed on laced cocaine. Gone. In a blink of an eye. She was so young. Not even 30 yet.

And with bailey's death, I got angry. Because when I was still in the mix, I only knew of one coke dealer up there. It's been a few years. Things have changed, I guess. But, I feel angry for her. I feel angry that people aren't kicking doors and heads in. Because that is what we did. When someone hurt or killed one of our own. We had to take care of it ourselves since the cops were useless. And so I'm angry. But, at the same time, I am fucking beyond relieved that that isn't my life anymore. I am beyond relieved that I'm not that person anymore.

And so every time i think about going back, between the posts on here and the shit I see on my own social media, I know that even living on pennies, dealing with a toxic household, and becoming disabled were definitely NOT where I thought I'd be at 28, but I do believe that I'm in a lot better place I'd have been if I stayed.

Rest in peace to those we lost this year. From faults of their own to their clock simply running out, may the angels guide them home.