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TLDR; a white friend used to tell me my eyes are small multiple times a day every day - was this just typical middle school teasing or were there racist undertones?
Iāve wondered this for years, and honestly I think Iām too in the middle of things to see things objectively. This person also recently got back in touch with me, which has brought up a lot of old feelings; most of my memories of her are of this thing, so Iām feeling a bit iffy.
Iām an East Asian woman in the UK, and I was literally the only non-white student in my school from primary to middle school (those schools were connected, so it was one school, but just wanted to show the ages Iām talking about). Throughout my time at primary/middle school, my race was constantly pointed out, but luckily I have had very few explicitly racist experiences.
Middle school is where things started going to shit. Because man, middle schoolers can be brutal! This is also the time that I started becoming more self conscious about myself in terms of looks; especially at that age, all you want to do is fit in, you know? Anyway, the following thing is where I was never sure whether it was a micro aggression or just plain middle schoolers being middle schoolers:
I had a white ābest friendā from primary school, but in middle school she started telling me every day about how small my eyes are. (This continued a little throughout secondary school because we went to the same one, but we started drifting apart at that point.) She would also say other stuff about my body, which tbh, I didnāt really care about. But the eyes comment was by far the most frequent (she would tell me multiple times a day every day), and that one always felt off to me. I couldnāt articulate my feelings properly at the time - I was only just starting to become aware of the stereotypes and the history. Like, I was kind of aware it was a thing, but also not to the extent that I am now.
It also didnāt help that I was a very shy, nerdy and unpopular preteen, so I felt scared of losing one of the few people I considered to be a friend; how could I confront her about it when I myself was unsure she was doing anything wrong? Like it was literally just a gut feeling. And I could always imagine her response - that it wasnāt racist because my eyes actually are small, so how can it be racist when she was just commenting about MY eyes - it wasnāt like she was saying āall East Asians have small eyesā. And I do have small eyes so like, yes, itās true? Plus, she did also comment on other stuff about my looks, so she could always claim that it was me that was making it into a racist thing (this convo never happened, but this is what I told myself to continue being friends). And now I really canāt figure out if Iām just being sensitive or not.
Also, it didnāt seem like she necessarily thought that having eye shapes typical of East Asians was a bad thing - she fancied the actor Ki Hong Lee, so like??? Why did she so obsessively comment on my eyes???
(Thankfully, I have since discovered self-love and I actually really like my eyes - I think theyāre one of the best features of my face :))
I wish I had discovered social media sooner; while thereās a lot of toxicity out there, I also started discovering more about things like micro aggressions and the importance of history in racism. But I only started going on social media after secondary school (I just never saw the appeal until then - and now Iām addicted lol), and at that point it felt too late to talk to this girl about it.
Thanks for reading this long post if you did. I guess all this is to ask - would you guys see this as a racist micro aggression? Or was it just a typical kids being horrible situation? It did affect my self-esteem quite a lot and itās taken me some time to accept and appreciate my face - but I guess thatās a thing for all (pre)teenagers, no matter their race?
Edit: I just want to say thank you to everyone. Youāve made me feel less alone in my experiences, and I feel like Iāve finally been given āpermissionā to accept what happened and call it what it is. Iām sorry for the slow response rate - it was like all the pain Iād been holding at bay for years came crashing down, and Iāve spent the past couple of days thinking about this, and it felt like too much to reply. But please know that I really, really appreciate your responses.
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