I'm between the in-between

My shadow self lied to me, I let him without me knowing.

I severed the tether to the divine. It grew back without me seeing.

I'm crashing between the torrents of light and dark as I have opened the gates.

I could only open the gates once I found the key. I looked forever and found no key. I realised I was the key, I laughed and then I cried.

I forgive the shadow, and he forgives me. He also loves me, as I love him, but I must always transform his wrathful fire into healing energy, or the love with turn to hate for the self.

I locked him away for so long, he got tricky. Layers of illusion he painted, all concealing his intention deeper and deeper. Trapped In the dark, the absolute becomes illusion. Illusion transforms into hopelessness which then manifests wrath.

His abuses I thought were my own, were still done by my hands. By pushing the beast further into the dark, I did these abuses with my own heart. I closed the door on him, and he hurt me tenfold. The pain was manifested within the dream and I was stuck and beaten down.

But now I see him in front of me, reflected from the back of my mind. Staring at me projected as a guardian, keeper of secrets, both mine and his. I don't trust him, yet I must let him shine, for he projects my light from the dark.

I then heard a voice I hid myself from for a long time. It was the divine, or rather, his workers. I used to think I was talking to the creator. I was young and ignorant. I was talking to the obscured angels, children of the divine and watchers of time and space.

Protecting those they watch, these protected vessels are grounded by the mother Earth, who were chosen and who sought to channel the light and the dark.

Within me, I maintain harmony. I must remain in the balance, or else I lose my true self. Two egos form within me, both opposing forces. I must listen for the true frequencies within the noise to sing my true song.

The awareness to see the possible and the impossible as one and the same grew within from childhood, but then my mind was split. While I was guided by a heavenly voice through the dark forests of man's intentions, I wanted him to free me. I wanted more.

Through trauma and pain, through suppression and oppression, I grew to see the dark of man and to despise it. I then became the dark in order to fight it. I lost half of me.

I grew to hate the divine, the truth, the father, and so I became boastful and proud in order to defy it. The rest of me was taken.

Only judgement and anger was left. Decisions made in haste and self-destruction grew the roots of mental slavery. I was no more, only an echo of words and thoughts no longer my own.

I closed my eyes so I would forget. Then I would forget that I even forgot, and so I forgot to open them. Slowly being pried open by the suppressed self, screaming out for freedom, I slowly remembered by seeing from the outside, where I found the lies within the truth. I expanded my mind with the chemicals of the new shamans who revered the juice, but not the fruit nor the tree nor even the one who had planted it. They sold me egoic traps, manifest under the shade of medicine for the animal to consume. A forbidden fruit, yet the liberator of their own ignorance, at least for a day.

I sat to close my eyes and face the void, never aware that the light show I saw were just more barriers and walls. I went far, but grew impatient. I was enlightened but still knew nothing. It meant nothing.

I saw only the limits of my own mind, the divine obscured by the woven threads that weave the veil of the dream. Able to reach infinite knowledge of the infinite, but I could never take back what I had learned, for I could never understand it when returning back to limbo.

I heard a voice in words I could only know say to me, "You will understand, but only when you realise you already had. This is not the place, we are waiting."

I now see that I do understand and that I always had. I just grew to hate the truth, but I cannot let the selfish lies consume me again. I must suffer with the shifting masks of such an ego, that can manifest, ever-watchful. To know of one's power is to know that one can abuse it, and that one will be tempted to do such. But with an attuned yet effortless focus, one will only care for the caring of man. For he is still one of them, and they will always part of him.

I am whole again, in balance between the irrationally rational and the rationally irrational. My mind is now in focus, feeling more real than the world around me, and yet I feel a deeper connection with the solid reality of the cosmic domain.

To realise I was both the branch of the tree, and the growing fruit attached, I had to consume myself. Let in the dark, let it scream at injustice. Let in the light, let it bathe you in truth. When the two are one, the true way is shown and the knowledge with it. Eden is within and around me, I must reach it once more, but only by knowing the signs and avoiding the cheapened imitations.

The tides shift, as the harmonious frequencies are ever-changing. I maintain the ebb and flow of both the light and the dark pulling at me. Never again must I allow the dark to corrupt me or the light to blind me. I must always maintain the energies, to feel at peace.

I must remain steadfast, yet adaptable, resolved yet curious. I could no longer stand the pain that I was inflicting on myself, causing me to inflict even more pain out of spite for my shame.

Now I feel resolved, realising I was free this whole time, guided by the divine through the long and hidden road to healing. I laughed with tears of joy, when I unclenched my fists that were holding onto nothing. I open myself to the universe and what it has to teach me.

The road still appears to continue, the road both illuminated by eternal light, and shrouded by the never-ending night. I will walk in those shadows in order to serve the light.

But that's just an illusion. I am the illusion. Oh well, it doesn't matter anyway.