Alright, sit your dickbutts down folks, I'm going to tackle a big topic today: ethics. But, before you get ahead of yourself and spill your lobster bisque in your haste to run on ahead of me, I just gotta say that I'm not going to be talking about ethics in this awakening propaganda disguised as a shitpost. No, by the gods who graciously gave me a dick, I am going to solve ethics for all eternity. Or, at least until some government fuckboi invents a sentient quantum computer. Different brain, different logic. But, for us squishy ape creatures, do I have an answer for the ages!

Okay, let's start by just jumping into an old time classic: the fackin' runaway trolley we all know and love. What do you do, shitbag? Let it kill the five, or save them and kill an innocent bystander? What if we switch it up; would you push a fat man onto the tracks to stop it instead? How about if you're a doctor and have ten patients needing ten different organ transplants and a perfectly healthy jackass who's not even using his second kidney walks in? Time for mandatory utilitarian surgery, or are you one of those dipsticks that gots a conscience?

Don't fucking answer, scumbug, I'm intentionally not going to weigh traditional arguments. Well, maybe I'll mention something about Aristotle's virtue theory; this shit is true, but damn is it inapplicable! Act in favor of the virtues that rest between extreme vices. Ptooie! That's nice in theory, but when you got real world thought experiments that are deliberately diddling the line of where certain boundaries and limits are, it's kinda fucking hard to collapse the waveform that is abstract qualia such as these damn virtues. If only the human brain had additional heuristic processing power it could tap into in order to glean greater insight into our intuition!

…wait a minute…wait a tiger humpin' n bumpin' second…what if I wrote all this garbanzo bean bullshit intentionally so we could reach this exact moment in the post? Hang on, I gotta get a picture of this…say "Sneeze!" kids! Alright, good, that's going in the scrapbook, because I'm about to lay the biggest mind dump ever on you. This is a magick spell that will last you the rest of your life. Don't waste it wiping your ass when you blow some Chipotle chunks after a bad date. You ready? Alright, when you find yourself facing a difficult ethical quandary, simply ask yourself these four words:

WHAT WOULD JEBUS DO?

Now, I know what you're saying, and I don't give a spacedog's last red rocket about it, because I need to clarify what the fuck I'm going on about like a hooker who did a heaping helping of bath salts. Notice I said Jebus, not Jesus. This is my own original character and I created him explicitly to bypass a little fuck up in the Christian philosophy. That fuck up in question just happens to be that everybody's got a different Jesus. We got white Jesus, we got black Jesus, we got supply-side Jesus, and we got whatever the fuck Mormons believe in. Too many Jesuses! We need to figure out which Slim Shady is the one that needs to stand up, and to do that, I'm just throwing out Jesus entirely and starting fresh.

So…who is Jebus? Jebus is the cornerstone. What is the cornerstone? The cornerstone solves ethics; it is a foundational concept of how to derive ideal morals as a creature with a fallible brain. What I'm saying is, if you try to tackle rigidly defined problems that are too complex to be reduced to a single set of variables within a value system, then you're shit out of luck. You're going to stick with what the ego chooses, and thanks to how humans derive a sense of self-worth from their identity, that means you're pretty much going to be thinking with your dick like a simp at a strip club.

Nope, that's not how you manifest the full potential of your decision making potential. Instead, why don't you try using the cornerstone? How do you do that? Y'know you're asking a lot of fucking questions today and it's pissing me off. But, I suppose I gotta use the cornerstone and simulate within my head the ideal person, using my empathy circuitry to include my mirror neurons. Hint: you do that automatically when you're conjuring up people in your imagination. Yes, I'm saying in order to bypass logical defects in the human psyche, you gotta start using more of your brain.

See, when you ask yourself, "What would Jebus do?" you're simulating what someone without your flaws would do. Free from desire, or need, or ego, or boner, what do you imagine the perfect person choosing? This has magick properties, because humans, at what functionally amounts to the BIOS of the brain (or something, I haven't studied computers in fifteen years…been too busy doing messiah candidate shit for the CIA), have very good logic circuitry. It's that messy shit of the forebrain with all its disjuncted social rules that garbages everything up. But, when you simulate someone else, it is easier to look past the higher mind and acquire knowledge of your heuristic processes at their base level.

Gunna shoehorn this in here cuz I'm lazy. I've failed to mention that you have to spend time meditating or imagining that the cornerstone surpasses the mortal limits of human decision-making in order to reinforce the circuitry. That's why the cross is so important to Christian philosophy; it's a demonstration of true supererogatory behavior that evokes a greater capacity to empathize.

This is a very similar process to forms of divination like tarot, as it is taking advantage of dormant features of the mind to give you a leg up in your own ass. So, meditate on Jebus, or whoever the cunts you want, I'm not your mother, and you'll grow better at simulating them. Grow better at simulating them, and you'll find yourself better able to quickly surmise what they would do. Master this ability, and you won't be thinking like you anymore; you'll have achieved an important step in attaining Christ Consciousness.