So, I make this face when I’m stressed, apparently I look like I am contemplating a relatives gruesome death. I was thinking today about why, with all the other symptoms of autism I display (and, y’know, a formal diagnosis), I don’t notice any particular stimming behaviour. Obviously that doesn’t mean I’m any less autistic, but I’ve been going through a multi-year process of unpacking all sorts of odd shit about me.

What I decided to do, was think about a stressful situation, try to overload myself a little bit - and just try and do what feels natural. Well, it turns out that I flap my arms and hands pretty violently when I’m stressed out, and that’s when the memory hit me.

See, the reason for all this unpacking and easy access to extreme stress is that I was in a decade-long relationship with a woman who was not very nice. She would often deny me any accommodations for my (then-undiagnosed) autism or ADHD, but blamed me when the lack of support caused me to fail. Well, I remember very clearly walking near the river in the city where we met, and her telling me that if I kept moving my hands like that when I’m excited, people will think I’m abusive. As with many undiagnosed autistic folks I’m sure, this triggered a lot of anxiety and shame - I was already worried that there was something “wrong” with me.

That’s when I started suppressing the stim, and that’s about when I started making the face too! So today I realized that it’s the combination of existing stress and straining not to stim that causes me to look like I watched a childhood pet get eaten by a cougar! And I learned not to let anyone else shame me for stimming, because it helped me calm down from the stress so much faster!