Hello everyone. I have a 9-year-old who they believe although they have not officially diagnosed as having high functioning autism, ODD, and ADHD. Her psychiatrist said if he had to diagnose her that day he would say she had high functioning autism or asperger's. We have been having the darndest time even getting her diagnosed. Part of the problem is she acts completely different in public then what she acts like at home. I legitimately thought she had multiple personality disorder at one point but no that is the ODD they said. I can I cannot get her to do a single thing that she doesn't want to do. She does not want to take care of her personal grooming, she does not pick up her toys, she will not pick up her food messes, she really will not do anything unless she absolutely wants to do it. She is my baby and I love her but she is like the Looney tune Tasmanian devil. Literally every room she goes into she leaves a trail of mess behind her. However, she is an angel at school. They frequently tell us how helpful she is and how she is so wonderful with the other students. She has been called the teachers right hand girl. So I know that she is capable of behaving herself. I know that she is capable of doing tasks and putting things away. She never once acted out at any doctor or therapist office. I have been dealing with this since she was like a year old.

During Corona virtual learning things really came to a head and she had her biggest meltdown ever during virtual school and started hitting herself and saying that she wished she was dead. Finally somebody heard what I had been saying since the laptop was open and her teacher heard us. They got us in touch with the social worker and she got us in touch with the crisis worker who came over the very next day and so now she has a case manager and has recently started seeing a psychiatrist. The therapist/case manager who calls to talk to her has caught her in a few of these very defiant moments where she is screaming and yelling at us and has suggested that I just buckle down. She heard her while she was shrieking in my face and grabbing me and shaking me. She has told me that I do not have to do the gazillion things I do for her a day and that she would get behind me if I decide to take away all her toys and art supplies and basically all the things she makes a mess with. I want to know if anybody here can tell me strategies that were effective at helping them learn to follow the rules or learn to do their chores. I don't want to go to the extreme of stripping down her room as they have suggested but I really need to do something. We have tried the chore chart and we have tried one of those magnetic boards that go on the fridge with tasks and she just shrugs it all off and goes to draw. Aside from being easier for us for family to deal with I want her to be able to function out there in the world. At some point I will pass away and she will have to live with family or with roommates or something and I want to spare her having everybody be mad when she does the things there that she does here. My rules are not anything crazy it's basically just pick up after yourself, take a shower and groom yourself, and study a little bit.