Hi all. For context, I am 19 Ftm and have been self-suspecting since I was 11yrs old (Yes, I have known there was something particularly different about me since before Tiktok existed. I hate self proclaimed Tiktok/reels “doctors”.)

The last 5 years of my life in particular have been just me unboxing and remembering who I was supposed to be, who I was. Before I felt the need to start formally masking myself and “strange” behaviors (ex: pencil tapping, rocking back and forth, hand flapping and jumping from any capacity of joy, obsessions with words/phrases) that classmates and friends had been picking up on for years. However, as I’ve gotten to college, I found that this has made things significantly worse. To further give context to note that this isn’t just “burn-out” it was in middle-school, that I found that maintaining this mask out of fear of perception of others (because at that point I was still known as the “sonic kid who runs with his arms behind his back”) was super fucking exhausting and drained the shit out of my mental health. That and being bullied for having a learning disability was overall ass. I had thoughts of su1c1de and SH almost daily, and would often pass out on the couch the second I got home (only to wake up at odd hours of the night to neglect homework and continue researching everything I could possibly learn about Green Day lore, or guitar mechanics). This cycle was brutal on me. Thus, it would only make sense that I’d feel horrid in a college setting. Attempting to showcase maturity and build connections when you carry a great deal of anxiety towards any slight negative facial expression/body language cue (because i overly fixate on these things out of fear of not being aware enough) still wear graphic tees and have childish fixated interests and “strange” actions has been absolute hell (there’s more. i just don’t feel like listing it. ask away. i can assure you i am attempting not to overreact). I find myself sleeping earlier and earlier. Assignments haven’t been awful as I have my own accommodations, but I feel entirely hopeless.

Any words of advice you guys can offer? It’s cool if not.