When i was first diagnosed at the age of 5 the doctors told my mother I’d be lucky if i could tie my own shoes by the time I’m 30 and that it would likely be best to give me over to a ‘Home for the retarded’ (literally what it was called at the time, basically just a place to toss me and forget about me). Luckily for me my mother didn’t believe them and helped me become the success that i am today. But my whole life has been spent trying to get as far away from that image, that expectation that I’d just be completely worthless and incapable of anything. I’ve achieved by all measures wild success - i live independently and and fully employed and for all intents and purposes am ‘normal’ aka high masking enough to the point people have no idea I’m disabled; but in spite of all this i feel like there’s no amount of success i can achieve that will ever let me let go of that vision of my younger self and how far gone he was and how all I’ve ever wanted to do was eradicate every last trace of autism or other weaknesses out of me. But it’s left me with this duality wherein one half, the half that I’ve built up with my abilities over the years is confident and charismatic but then the other half that I’ve tried to kill and keep hidden from the world as my dirty little secret feels like it lives in a world of monsters and has no sense of confidence or self worth. And I’m not sure which is the real me, or which one weighs heavier for me. I’m sure i can’t be the only person with a situation like this, how do you guys manage to feel good about your disability and have a sense of self worth? Because all of my achievements feel hollow to me, like it doesn’t matter what i do at the end of the day I’ll still have autism and be fundamentally different from everyone else around me