Spoiler alert. I do not

I so fucking do not.

Nothing too crazy nsfw because I cuss?

I just have not the slightest idea what the absolute fuck I'm doing. I was married for 20 years. Quite frankly that was just stupid. We're 100% not the right people for each other. This came to a head in May of 23, and since then I haven't felt a connection to anyone.

I've been in therapy for years. Emotionally.... Well shit... Yeah i was going to say I have a high EQ and am emotionally mature. But do I? Am I? I mean on paper I get emotional maturity. I totally get and am on board ( or at least compliant) with being a responsible adult and most other social constructs our Western society has these day. I dont have to understand, just comply if I wish to be a part of society.

That the fucking problem. I really really do and I really really think I am...I am not. I am failing at that miserable. Repeatedly and often. So much so I'm too the point we're I didn't even know if it with trying.

I don't want to hot swap my ex-wife of 20yrs with a replacement. For one, need more compatibility. And it also takes time. I've lost count of the number of times I've met people that were so enthusiastic and claimed to want the same thing... And the probably do.... But it never ends to being with me. Oh I'm not offering what I think I'm offering.

I thought I had that. Late last year. The most powerful connection I could ever imagine. I don't get it. I thought I did. But apparently I didn't. What was basically unlimited infinite speed Internet, now only works when I hold the cable in one spot and stand on my head . Don't get me wrong, the connection is so amazing I will gladly do it, but I'd this just what life is like?

If you say you want something, why does it freak you out when you get it? How can you say your sorry, and then instantly do that thing again? Why do I keep driving people away?

I'm also in danger of minimalizing my needs like I need for 20yrs. "Oh it's ok, I guess I don't need that." And then being miserable or lieing to get "that" was my default state for 20years. I don't want to live like that. I just want to be me and for someone to accept that. All of it.

That's not saying there but parts of me I'm improving. I love improvement. There's no standing idly by. You're either improving or decaying. Learning and growth are key. That's probably at the root of all my issues. I(, like literally everyone else I'm not special) am afraid of the unknown. I don't know a Damned thing besides what they are on paper about emotions, especially love. So I just catastrophize and assume everything is fucked up when nothing is like I think or want it to be.

So why the fuck not I'll say it again... It's been about a million time now, what's one more,?

I just want anyone that wants to spend the with me . I'm not going to pretend physical attraction isn't a thing. I am attached to a mind now than a person, but I get the need for physical attraction. It'd also be great to have a open to exploring and communicative sex life. I love hugs and cuddling. That'll happen. I kinda wanna be that annoying IG couple? I want to hear all about your day. I love knowing little thing about you. If I'm in a relationship, I always will say good night and good morning.

Obviously none of that is working. It'd be super helpful if someone wouldn't mind telling me WTF is going on lol. I knew no one owes that.

I just want someone to love and that feeling to be reciprocated.... Well fuck. So does everyone.

It goes beyond love. My dad, ..... Well ok I suck.... But still. I was going to say didn't act like how I feel a parent should love, but he's autistic as well, so I shouldn't judge. Lol

I hate it. Every time I think I make a connection or end up evaporating. No one every says anything. Just radio silence. That's the stupid shit. If you want to talk to single men that are worth while, then consider providing that community with useful feedback they can use to grow.

I don't know. I'm looking for someone that will prioritize our interactions the way I do. Nothing can make me happy the way that hearing a message from you come in does.

I'll never need space from that...