I’m so confused with my life and myself rn. It’s like I don’t even want anything I used to want anymore. I dunno. Like I keep wanting friends but then I go try to make friends and then I’m reminded why I dislike talking to strangers. People say that it’ll work out and maybe it will but I don’t want to spend the rest of my life waiting for things to happen. People tell me to put myself out there and then when I do, I just change my mind. Like I feel like I’m better off being alone and not in a “I don’t deserve to be loved/cared for” kind of way but in a “people are exhausting and I don’t want to do put all this effort for something that may or may not work out.”

And it’s not just that too, I dunno why everyone is suddenly uninteresting to me, I dunno why I suddenly feel bored with any time someone talks about themselves. I wish I didn’t feel that way but I can’t just force myself to be interested. I wish I still loved listening to people and stuff.

I dunno if this is related to my autism or ADHD or if I’m just burnt out or having a life crisis. I keep just distracting myself with mundane tasks and hobbies while I wait to get a job and my driver’s license. Maybe I just need to move out of this boring ass city and my mom’s house because she doesn’t let me do anything.

But then the thing is I say shit like that and then when I do have an opportunity to speed up moving out I just fuck it up. And it’s gotten to the point where it feels like I’m doing it on purpose. Like I dunno maybe I just wish I had different parents who wouldn’t make me feel like I have to move out in order to be happy. And who would actually help me with that process instead of making me feel rushed and even more confused. I dunno how to convince my brain to stop wishing I could live in a fantasy and just focus on reality cuz my mom isn’t magically going to becoming an empathetic, understanding, patient parent.