Salutations and greetings. I don't know. I'm not sure if this a "vent," a "what you should expect post," or something else entirely. I was diagnosed rather late, at 37. I used to have what are now considered "signs," when I was younger - but nothing that would nudge your parent during the 1980s or 90s to lead them to believe their kid was autistic. I was relatively developmentally normal, but I had (and still have) rather poor social skills, issues making eye contact, and in terms of communication have an AWFUL tendency to just info-dump on people because I don't know how otherwise to make "normal conversation," It took me about a decade total to get a fucking 4-year degree in Communications. (I had a few other personal issues as well, nothing to DO with Autism - but, I'm a terrible student)

I used to be able to mask somewhat effectively. During my formative years and even as late as college I could "blend in" with the other kids just fine. However, around the age of 30, the chinks in my facade began to show. When I met new people (uncomfortable then, WORSE now) they wondered why I was so terrible at having conversations or even dressing in a flattering ensemble. (I'm TERRIBLE at this. No, I don't have hygiene issues, I just dress VERY plainly. I don't know what style is, and I don't have a personal desire to cultivate one. Clothing is utilitarian. If someone has an interest in cultivating style, I mean that's cool. It's just not my thing) When I went on dates with prospective partners, it was always "wow, you really like going in-depth on things," and the only real relationship I was able to maintain any length of time (2.5 years) was with a chronic alcoholic who was too sauced most of the time to give a shit what sort of nonsense came out of my mouth.

But largely, NOW, my social life is absolutely ZERO. In my current geographic region I have exactly two friends (one that I had in high school decades ago, who in my opinion is undiagnosed and in denial. The other an ex roommate who happened to be diagnosed.) I just can't meet people. I can't date. I've "aged out" of all my friends with kids and families to attend to. I can't even hold a conversation with that seedy bartender about something as mundane as sports, without going into too-much-detail about the financial aspects of team ownership and how they're often more of a drain fiscally on a community, than a benefit. And my career is a MESS. No, I'm not your stereotypical "IT Nerd" autistic. It's an interest, but not a big one and I've never been skilled enough at math to make a career out of it.

I've a dead end job, with no positive "career" outcome, which is a result of several things. (Primarily being long-term burn-out from my previous job managing a library which almost caused me a mental breakdown...don't ask about me crying in my office on a weekly basis, that was a thing and I can't do that anymore) So I just exist - me and my two cats. It sucks. I can barely pay my bills. I don't qualify for any assistance. I don't have any familial support. I exist right on the fringe...and it SUCKS. I'm absolutely miserable and my personal-interest head-space/emotional maturity is forever stuck in my late teens. I just don't know what to do sometimes.

So I mean - what I should be saying is. This is a warning(?) or word of caution to younger autistic individuals. Those atypical friends you have now, that you've met when you were younger. Keep them CLOSE. Fortify your support network (if you have one). Elder Millennial autistic individuals don't really network the way Gen Zed does, via Tik-Tok or whatever and I always feel unwelcome even in those places because the younger generations are so mistrustful of anyone over the age of 30, despite their situation. I'm just stuck - and be forwarned you might find yourself "stuck" too.