So my friend told me to take a raads-r test because they recognize traits in me. When I took it I scored 145. I did the dsm 5 checklist and I hit almost everything on that too. I never once thought I was autistic because Im social and make eye contact but I had such a narrow view of what autism is. And I was more than likely masking my whole life.

I scheduled an appt with my doctor to be clinically diagnosed but in the meantime I started doing massive amounts of research and everything makes my life make so much sense. I was always told I was bipolar, or depressed and anxious. And for a long time I would feel like something was so fundamentally broken inside of me that I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me. Well turns out I might be autistic. I'm reading a book called women and girls on the autism spectrum and it's fucking eye opening. The pieces are falling into place. I just don't know much about the community so I haven't found my place yet but having this self diagnosis is helping. I also scored 123 on the masking scale which makes sense. I also remember at a few points in my life thinking things like "okay people make eye contact, I should do that" or "I'm making too much eye contact, look away." And now I'm like noticing more and more things I do that I thought were just normal but actually probably traits of autism. Before I left my dad's yesterday he made a comment that I'm "a vat of useless information" too. And like I said, everything just makes my whole life make complete and total sense. I get what's wrong with me now.

Anyway idk where I was going with this, I just wanted to tell someone what I discovered about myself. I was always told that self diagnosis was wrong, and so I feel slightly guilty diagnosing myself but my best friend tells me that it's common in the autism community? Idk. I need to do more research into the community and find supports so I can better understand. But as of right now, everything I've done and read, scream autistic.