An incident the other day left me with the gnawing feeling I was the issue and not the dance style I teach. Long story short: I teach a dance group that trains 3 times a week. (Once with me, once with another teacher and once a week with us together) attendance on the classes I teach have been a bit down but nothing that is noteworthy till the point I thought something might be wrong. After a class I ask them how class has been feeling lately and they say they don’t like the style. They want it in choreographies but not training it. But I was left with the feeling there was more to it

I talked a lot with my mom and yesterday she said what I know from before. I can be a bit too much and that can be a lot for people who aren’t super used to it. The thing is I don’t get that because I don’t get into my passions that much when teaching since I only have an hour and they are there to practice not listen to me talk. So I don’t really get that but I know it’s been an issue my entire life.

I need to find a way to be normal. To hide my autistic traits. I’ve made a list in one of my books (as well as on my phone so I always have it with me) on rules like: don’t discuss my special interests, listen a lot more than you talk, make eye contact while listening, only stim with your toes so it’s not noticeable. And my mom is going to help me learn how to not get carried away with my interests.

But if I’m being honest I hate this! I hate not being allowed to be myself! Not being allowed to talk about what I like. I hate it! I like me. I like my personality and I don’t want to change it but I don’t want my family friends students or coworkers to be uncomfortable or irritated at me so this feels like the only solution

Edit: I kinda also really don’t want my mom to “help” me be normal even though I asked for it before it feels so wrong. Maybe I can just try on my own when I’m in certain situations. How do I ask her not to help me?