I’ve been through therapy and I’ve been moving through life on my own for a while. I’m living a pretty decent life financially but socially and emotionally I’m dead. I have cool people around me at school that I could talk to and strike up a conversation with at any moment but the truth is that’s not what I want any more. I’m almost 20 and speaking to someone or interacting in a group conversation for 2 minutes makes me want to physically pass out.

The anxiety has left me as I’ve grown and learned more about humans and how everyone is really in there own world and could care less about my flaws, behaviors and overall life so now I’m no longer worried, I’m just dead. I’m just dead emotionally, I can’t make faces, can’t smile, can’t laugh properly Cant bare to look at people because of how expressionless I am it’s just tiring.

I remember trying sooooo hard to get a girlfriend and trying so hard to start up conversations with people but it’s so fake. I feel so fake and nasty saying hi to people when I know I don’t give a shit about them. I do not care about others or their well being. I am a selfish person. I want to work for my money, eat my own food, and live until I die whilst also partaking in the few various things I enjoy doing, none of which involve social interaction.

I’m at this turning point in life where I’m wondering if I should call it quits with trying to be social or seeking a partner. I always but my tongue because it hurts so much to speak and smile. It’s so tiring, I get headaches talking to people and as soon as someone starts replying to me telling me something I shut down and want to grab them and throw them away like a crumpling a piece of paper and smacking into a bin. I am being honest here, I WANT to be a proper human, a social individual but I am SO inept it’s embarrassing. I know what to do and say, but I can’t help but act like I’m deep on the spectrum when conversing with people.

I am in a steady decline when it comes to social situations and I’m just fighting it each day trying to not look like a mean scary outcast in college by throwing up fake smiles and small talk but it shows as soon as shut up. The bad vibes and aura of disdain appear and people are just turned off and uncomfortable around me, it’s so painful to witness, it’s like I’m walking around covered in filth, and that filth is simply my attitude to life, or the gene expression causing me to behave so mentally damaged