I’m 30 years old, have been working since I was 19, and the longest I have ever held a job is a year at a time. I know work isn’t fun and that we all have to suffer to an extent, but when I wake up and know I have to do something I really, genuinely can’t stand it’s like a “brick wall” is in my head and I can’t force myself over it. I call out a lot, I lie and use various excuses because I can’t pick up the phone and tell my supervisor, “hello, I cannot work today because the thought of performing customer service is making me violently upset” and eventually I get a warning, followed by a write up, followed by termination.

I struggle with shame a lot, and this is a big cause of it. I do it to myself and I really do try (and try and try and try) to force myself through the motions but it always ends in meltdowns and signing performance plans or surprise meetings with supervisors that end with a visit to the job boards to rinse and repeat.

I’ve worked lots of jobs. I have my GED. I have a cosmetology license that I’ll probably never use again because I hated the industry. I’ve done optical, food, and lots of remote jobs. Everything has been customer service based which I’m sure is part of the issue but I don’t know how to get away from it?

For those of you who can hold a job down, how do you do it? Are there any coping mechanisms you recommend or do you just have a job that you genuinely enjoy? Are there any resources for autistic people seeking employment that don’t require a diagnosis?

I want to hold down a job and support myself. I want it so bad it makes me cry and I know I’m my own worst enemy, so I’m asking for any help or ideas you guys might have.