As stated, I’m (39f) turning 40 in 3 months and I feel like I’m at a crossroads. Maybe that’s normal, but I don’t know what to do with these feelings. Might be long. Buckle up.
I’ve never been married, no kids, and no desire for kids either. I’m also autistic. I was diagnosed in 2019 if that gives you an idea of how easy it is to miss. Additionally, I’ve been a teacher, first Gen. Ed. and now Special Ed, for 18 years. This is all relevant.
Okay. I’m intensely lonely. I have a few close friends, coworkers I’m friendly with, and I live with my cousin whom I love dearly. But I don’t have a partner. And I’m wondering whether I should give up entirely, because statistically someone has to end up fulfilling the crazy spinster cat lady. Or, am I just freaking out about the number 40.
I LOVE me. I’m unique, empathetic, very intelligent, have a nice face and have come to celebrate my ‘thick’ body that bears a striking resemblance to a pear.
However, I am deeply ashamed of my life. I’m a teacher, so I’m broke. I have my masters, I’ve been at it for a long time, and work with autistic kids. Sounds respectable right? Sure, but I have fuck all financially to show for it. I feel like I’d be a financial burden. I mean, I’m paying my bills, but that’s it. I don’t have the disposable income to travel, or explore certain hobbies. I’m not bringing anything to the table. And I understand the implications of pink collar jobs, but it doesn't change the reality of the situation.
I am disabled. People don’t like that word, but I am. Autism is a disability and I struggle with a lot of things that are routinely seen as me being lazy, too sensitive, childish, or dramatic. And the struggles will never go away. I’m autistic for life. And I’m deeply ashamed for not being more capable.
I’m also demisexual, which makes me feel like I’m asking for someone to work even to get laid. So no selling point there.
I left a mentally abusive situation a little over a year ago. With therapy, medication, and friends I’m safe, completely disentangled, and  far away.  But I had to reset my whole life. So in a lot of ways my life is a clean slate.
I don’t want to burden anyone. I don’t want to rely on someone else's money. I don’t want to have such a short list of achievements. I don’t want to need as much support as I do. I don’t want to feel like I’m asking for so much grace, and understanding without tangible benefits for that person. And I know it matters. I know it does. At this age it does. None of us had anything at 20. There are different expectations for 40.
I’m just very realistic. I live in reality, not Instagram life coach with a ‘happiness is a choice’ world. The real world. With real people.
But I’m desperately lonely and want a partner to do life with.