It never seems to get easier. Holy shit.

I hate driving.

I hate shopping.

I hate being around people.

When I do any "adulting" task whether it's tax stuff/financial, medical, therapy, or my pet sitting business meetings, it's always extremely stressful.

There's just all these things I have to do all the time that worry me before, during, and after doing them. A lot. And little wrong things happening that invariably happen always upset my day a lot too.

It seems like I'm always practicing but still constantly coming up short, like a runner who can never quite shave the seconds off their best time.

If I'm always getting exposure to social situations, all the fucking time, how am I still always still the same level of awkward, confused, scared, nervous, and masking my ass off most the time out of sheer terror.

I'm always terrified of looking odd in public.

It seems like all my "practice" is just practice being a social failure, practice dropping stuff, practice slipping over your words, practice stuttering. Practice tripping in front of people. Practice in other words, a clown act, a spectacle other people can laugh at.

I'm not practicing social skills, I'm practicing being amusing for others.

I'm practicing never saying what I really feel or never being who I truly am because my partner would be embarassed by me and I'd be embarassed by myself.

Why do they tell us to unmask, like easy for you to say when unmasking doesn't mean subjecting yourself to social torment, doesn't mean acting like an animal or off-putting slob or freak that other people will stare at.