After several months of talking about it, my FA ex and I (AP) are trying to make it work again. I feel pretty good and optimistic about where we are – we’ve both learned and grown a lot since breaking up, and are both committed to our growth both separately and together. Already our communication has been better than ever.

I do have fears about falling into old patterns though, and one of the biggest ones is around the issue of making plans to see each other. In the past, I’ve typically been the one to reach out to her to propose times to get together. This is fine when we’re doing well, but in times where I’m doubting the relationship or her feelings toward me, it becomes a really major trigger. Left to her own devices, she will sometimes go a week or more without thinking to make plans with me (an avoidant behavior, but also part of a general pattern of losing track of time that I’ve read is common among FAs).

When she does this, my fear of abandonment kicks in like crazy and I start fixating on the relationship and ruminating about all the terrible things this signifies: that she doesn’t love me, doesn’t want to spend time with me, is going to leave me, etc. On one hand I desperately want to ask to see her, but at the same time I want to wait for her to be the one to do it, because otherwise it doesn’t feel “real.” (I‘ve read this kind of “testing” is a common form of protest behavior for APs?) When I finally cave and ask to see her, it often comes out pleading and/or accusatory, and I end up feeling like I’ve failed. (I once referred to this as “playing emotional chicken” – a description she said “terrified” her).

Anyway, I’m not at that place yet. The reason I’m posting now is because I want to get better at managing those anxieties and communicating better around this issue before it builds into something overwhelming and hard to stay level headed about. I only saw her two days ago, but already I have this little nagging voice in the back of my head saying “how long before she reaches out to you to make plans? What if it’s a week? What if it’s 2 weeks?” For now I’m mostly able to ignore it, but I wonder if pushing it down is the best way of dealing with it, or if I’m better being proactive and honest.

For anyone who struggles with this: what ways have you found of managing it?

I’ve thought that maybe I should just ask her if she’s willing to try making a habit of scheduling follow up plans with me within a few days of us seeing each other. I’m worried that might come off as needy or scare her, but maybe if I frame it by focusing on how nice it makes me feel when she does do this rather then on how anxious it makes me feel when she doesn’t??