DA/FA

Over the past 12 years I have really tried hard to find love. I spent the first 10 years of my dating life (14-24) trying to date men because I thought I was straight. I assumed at some point I would just fall in love. But it never happened and along the way I ended up forcing myself to intimate with a lot of men I didn’t want to. I dated a man who felt like a good friend for about 4 years and then realized I got crushes on women and came out at 24. Since then, I had been assuming I would just end up dating and falling in love with a woman, since I was dating the “correct” gender now. But the same patterns have persisted where I’m dating people I don’t end up feeling strongly about and end up feeling trapped and breaking things off within a few months. I can feel strong “love” feelings towards unavailable women who are either already in a relationship or otherwise undatetable. But it seems I can’t have those feelings for people I try to date. I have spent a lot of time alone. I’ve been on quite a few dates. Most recently I took 4 years off dating doing all kinds of therapy and coaching. But when I came back, the patterns were still there. I’ve now been dating someone for 7 months. They are the first person I’ve dated who I like a lot as a person. But I feel totally numb. I never had the “falling in love” feeling that I want. But I feel very attached and get nervous when they don’t text. I currently feel disconnected from my body and like I’m getting physically sick. I’ve talked to them about how I feel and they are understanding and don’t expect anything from the relationship beyond hanging out a couple times a week. It seems like a very chill dynamic to learn to be close to someone in, but I keep getting this terror that I’m doing the wrong thing. A feeling I always get once I’ve been with someone for a couple of months.

That should I do? I feel so lost.

Editing to add I’m 36 now