Unicorns might not exist, but as long as I'm asking for the impossible, I might as well be bold, right?

I would like to have a cool mistress, a long-term affair, a kind of FWB. Not a one-night thing. Not a summer fling. Not dating.

I want you to be cute. Not too hot, not too obsessed with your shape that you can't enjoy a hamburger. Not very young. Have a few years on you. I do like boobs and legs.

I want you to have hobbies you love. You don't have to be good at them, but you have to do something you think is fun. Bored people are boring.

Be able to hold a conversation, and compare books, and change a tire if you absolutely had to. Have your shit together, financially and emotionally.

I want you to be a little obsessed with sex. It is amazing, a natural zesty enterprise.

Let's be open about the sex we have with our partners/spouses. Moreover, we celebrate and are excited by each other's successes. When I describe, in detail, how I made my wife come by only licking her nipples while my hand was around her throat, Wednesday? You demand a high-five because that's cool!

You find a clip of something too hot that you have to jill off? You send it to me. Or better, you save it and later when we are together, we masturbate together, hip to hip on the sofa, excited by it and each other.

You can't wait to tell me about how you got your husband/boyfriend/partner off while he was driving. High five, girl!

We dare each other into better, awesome-er sex and relationships with our partners.

As for sex and us, the most important thing is discretion; to the world, we appear to be just pals. Second most important is enthusiasm.

It would be nice if you have an oral fixation. You wonder what my fingertips taste like today and you aren't afraid to take my hand off your thigh and just suck on them for a little bit.

Start a chat and tell me your favorite drink. Have you had a root beer lately? I'm rediscovering them and I might be in love.