Cross posted on r/exmormon after the suggestions..

I just found this sub last night after realizing I am an atheist. I was holding onto a hope for a God for so long, finally realizing if there is a God, he’s a fear-based bastard that left me to die.

My shelf finally broke with my divorce right after I graduated from BYU. As a Mormon I always believed in eternal families that I would be with my family for all eternity. Until I started questioning my church, faith, and belief in God, my then wife of 4 years (2 kids aged 2 and 3) filed for divorce and it was finalized in August. It completely shattered my belief in eternal families which the church came with it.

I then went to a Christian non denomination church because my Hope of a God was still there. They would preach that God will always be there for you. I was in the darkest moments of my depression with the loss of my family and my faith. At this point my depression was so bad work performance decreased and I was fired from my full time job. I Was on the verge of suicide.

One night I remembered in church the preachings that God will never let us down and still had that hope. I ended up giving it all telling him everything and asking for some sort of feeling of love and comfort to tell me everything was going to be ok. What I felt was absolutely nothing. I was absolutely devastated. I continued this practice for about a week with no response and from there, decided it was all bull shit. This was around September of 19.

Since then, I never went back. I never felt the spirit in the Mormon church when so many others would confess that the “spirit is strong.” I didn’t feel anything. I always thought I was the one doing wrong which is why I never felt the spirit. I beat myself up for two years on my mission because of this. That God thought less of me because he was blessing every other missionary and member of the church, but me. I’m out for good. Trying to repair myself from the damages. I lost my friends, family, and everybody in my life was Mormon. I’m starting fresh.

I’ll be here if you have any questions about the Mormon church or my journey. I just needed a platform to share. If anyone is in the Kansas City area, I am looking for like-minded friends as I’m all alone here after my loss of faith.