I'm schizo and borderline. I've had a lot of experiences that have led me to believe that there may be some sort of higher power, but of course it could all just be coincidences that my brain for whatever reason tends to think are more than mere coincidences.

I was raised Southern Baptist, and I was outed as gay in the 90s. Needless to say, it kind of fucked me up. My mom still tells me her god is going to give me a stroke or strike me dead or snakes are going to come into my room when I question things.

I used to be an agnostic before my brain started fucking up or whatever. I used to be on the bandwagon that Jesus was a good guy, and more people should be like him. But then I read the Bible and realized that Jesus is a fucking asshole. If he actually existed and said what it says he said, at least.

Anyway, I don't really like taking anti-psychotics due to the anhedonic effects (I like feeling pleasure), but sometimes I can't get my brain to stop thinking that there might be a god. And if there is a god (an omniscient and omnipotent one, at least), then they're at best chaotic and at worst completely evil. And I'm pretty sure I would be considered one of the doomed ones according to Christianity, at least. I mean it already sucks enough that my life is shit, and I don't see how it's ever going to be anything but shit. And the idea that I may suffer even more after I die doesn't help. People keep telling me to get professional help. I've been to 4 rehabs and countless psych wards. I've seen so many therapists, but no one has helped. Maybe all the good ones are only for rich people and don't take Medicare or Medicaid. Or maybe I'm just unfixable. I'd off myself, but I tried that before, and it was terrifying. I'd love to just have some opiates (I have chronic pain in addition to the mental agony), and they help me tremendously, but I don't know how to get them. Anyway, If you're interested in why my brain thinks there might be a god, you can check out my post history.