TL;DR: Friend died a year ago, and I've been made to feel like my grieving isn't good enough due to being an atheist.

My dear friend and roommate passed away last year on the 29th of December. On the 27th, one year ago today, I found her dead in our bathtub. The EMTs were able to get her heart beating after 30 mins of CPR, but she was pronounced brain dead at the hospital. She was kept on life support for the next two days while her parents flew in from out of state to pull the plug - they were her next of kin.

She was dead when I found her, and had been for at least an hour. I knew as soon as I saw her that she was dead. So even though she didn't officially die for another two days, I'm stuck on this date. It was a senseless, tragic accident and so sudden - a seizure and medication interaction while she was taking a bath. There was nothing any of us could have done, and it hurts.

I miss her terribly every day. She was such a wonderful woman, and just getting her life into the track she wanted it to be in. I can’t even express the loss that was her passing. And therein lies the problem

I don’t believe I’ll see her in heaven. I don’t believe in an afterlife at all, nor do I believe in souls. She was a generous, religious, Southern Belle, and most of her friends and family are religious as well. I believe she is gone, and that she was already gone when I found her. Everyone around me (except my husband, who is also an atheist) kept talking about seeing her again, how her soul was at rest, how she was looking down on us, etc. How Heaven needed another Angel. I nodded and smiled, not wanting to insert my lack of belief into her family’s sorrow.

However, when I spoke at her memorial, I did not adhere to the “God’s Plan/Everything Happens for a Reason” line of speeches. I spoke about how wonderful and kind she was. I said that I did not believe in heaven or angels, but that she was a bright angel and I would miss her for the rest of my life. I know, it seems counter intuitive - but she was always happiest when she could help others, and was unfailingly kind. I think that’s what an angel should be, and so she was.

Since that day, some people have treated me differently - including friends that know I’m an atheist. I haven’t “cried enough”, I didn’t “send prayers” to her family - I must not have known her as well as I claim. It hurts in a way I was never prepared for. Because I don’t beat my chest and curse a god I don’t believe in, or spew empty platitudes about plans and reasons from a merciful creator, my grief isn’t good enough.

I try not to get into it with many of them, including my mother. She spouted off the “Plan” nonsense, and I just wanted to explode with rage and grief. My friend was a mother of 3 young kids, and had finally found a good man to be with after an abusive marriage to the father of her kids. Her life was finally going the way it should have, and then she was gone. I’m sorry, but there is no reason in the world good enough for that to happen - I don’t care what god(s) you believe in or not.

I wish I could see her again, even for a moment. I wish my last memory of her wasn’t pulling her out of the tub and trying desperately to save her life, knowing it was too late. I had seen her just a few hours before, and she was alive and happy. I wish she hadn’t died so needlessly, and that she was still here every day. I wish people didn’t feel the need to judge my grief against theirs, and make me feel like I wasn’t a proper friend to her. I loved her as much as anyone else, and my lack of belief had nothing to do with it. I’d rather believe in nothing than a judgemental asshole that kills off genuinely wonderful people just to teach us a lesson that has no meaning.